Short Lived

I'm back.

Yeah... so much for a "break." I finally fell asleep last night. Hit up water aerobics with the old ladies at 0-dark-hundred hours. And I'm back. On the internets.

I'm a talker by nature, and I need someone to listen to all my problems. Normally I turn to my loved ones for that role, as to not sound like a complaining jerk on the world wide web. And who doesn't want a real hug of comfort over a simple blog comment of condolence?

But this time, I've decided not to burden the loved ones.

So, prepare yourself for some serious verbal vomit.

- - -

I've shot myself in the foot. I've allowed myself to spiral down--very low--in the pit of comparison. I know it kills my self-esteem, not to mention wastes loads of time, but my carnal nature concedes to the enticements of its evil lure.

Let me explain.

I feel like such a jerk.

Maybe I shouldn't explain.

Let me start in the middle.

One day, while psycho analyzing myself (pretty sure I've told you all how regularly that occurs), I realized my motivation for something I'd been doing. It was more than a light bulb turning on, it was as though someone walked up and slapped me in the face. The "something" I'd been doing was hating on a particular girl. Okay, maybe "hate" is a strong word. I just let her get under my skin. I would have a noticeably worse day for having thought of this girl, than if she weren't a part of my life.

I can't really blame her. Honestly, she's not done anything but be herself (which was apparently enough!...oops, there I go again.)

Really though, she's a fairly nice person (I'm trying!).

But this truly isn't about whether or not I'm going to ever become friends with, or even like this particular girl. It comes down to my motivation. I felt insecure and of less worth because of her. Silly, really. But true. And I couldn't deny it--nor could I ignore it at this point.

She threw me into the "not enough" cycle-- not pretty enough, not stylish enough, not successful enough, not rich enough, not smart enough, not skinny enough, and on and on.

My solution? Well, to hate her of course! And, if at all possible, get many others to hate her too.

Hello, Anna..............WRONG ANSWER!

But that was my natural reaction, and I didn't even realize it.

This isn't my only issue in life right now (believe you me, I've got plenty), but this seemed to significantly aggravate the others. And it's not just this girl, she just worked as a very nice example.

As I cut myself down (and worse, think less of those around me), I give this girl power.

- - -

I think my dog is dying.

Don't know what to do. I'm not one to shell out a bunch of money to get x-rays and such for a pet. But I really wish I could help her.

Here's a funny video of her. Chryssie likes to wait for everyone to leave the bedroom before crawling into bed and tucking herself in to the blanket pile. Sadly, her snores are a dead give away!

Isn't she cute??

- - -

I'm flying out to Indiana to see boy and boy family on Wednesday. I've been so wrapped up in, again, comparison and concern of comparison, I've not given myself much room to just be excited. I'm too worried about all the many, many ways I can potentially "mess up." I've gotten to a point of not caring, which isn't a good place to be either.

Luckily, I've got two days to pep myself up again.

- - -

Wow, I really do sound pitiful and whiny (I mean really, how much more pitiful can you get then "my dog is dying"!) when I put my complaints in words. Sorry for being a Debby Downer--but everyone needs a moment to vent, right? It's just a lot better when I spit up my complains instead of allow them to stir inside and rot. Normally I just write these posts and then delete them. But hey, who am I to deprive you of my drama? So if you just read that whole thing, again, I'm sorry, but you were told at the beginning it was nothing but verbal vomit--meaning, not my fault you just wasted at least 15 minutes.

Whew. I'll try not to fling that on you again. Can't even say it helped much. Hope to have something more positive for you later. I just couldn't put on a face and pretend today. Thanks for listening and putting up with me!

ps. my Christmas was wonderful. Hope yours was too.