where am i going?

I ask myself this question all the time. 

Sometimes I'm referring to tomorrow. Sometimes I'm referring to my emotions. Sometimes I'm referring to the salvation of my soul. 

I've heard it said, the best way of knowing where you are going is to understand where you've come from. Well, maybe that isn't said; maybe I just made it up. I don't remember. But still.

If this were truly helpful, how to I go about understanding yesterday? 

When I was young, maybe somewhere around eight years old, I remember standing in front of a small crowd. I was in a line with other boys and girls around my age, and I had a red balloon tied to my wrist. I watched the air-filled plastic ball float up and down with every slight lift of my wrist. And I waited. Each boy and girl took their turn answering questions about him or herself. I don't remember why, but we just were. One of the questions--the only one I can remember--was, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I had an answer. I didn't have to come up with it, and I didn't hesitate when sharing it. "I want to be a mom." I was so sure of that fact. And I didn't really worry about changing that answer. I loved my answer. It was true. 

Years later, I was faced with another question: "What classes do you want to take that will help you prepare for your future career?" My answer was less sure. I thought I wanted to be an attorney, but I didn't quite understand the complicated factors surrounding the becoming of one. But my mom helped me figure out what my options were, and I signed up for some classes. I felt content with my answer. And I was excited about the possibilities. 

Things didn't work out so well with my high school law training. Truth was, I hated the teacher. Bigger truth was, the teacher hated teaching. And I was faced with a new question. "What school would you like your ACT/SAT scores sent to? And what major would you like on your application?" I panicked. I really hadn't a clue. I didn't know I could write "undeclared," so I asked my mom what I should put at the top of my test. I had picked the school I wanted to attend, and my mom encouraged me to put "pre-communications" as my major. She said I had been interested in it earlier, but I honestly didn't know what it even would entail. I felt passive about this answer. But I knew I could just change it later. 

A lot of things have happened since then. A lot of yesterdays have passed. 

The future is always scary and always complicated--the complications are just different. 

I don't worry about whether I've put my shoes on the right feet anymore (and according to Tabitha, I'm pretty good at that whole "left-right thing" now), and I care so much about having someone to sit with during lunch. 

I still don't know where I'm going always, but I have a pretty good idea of where I've been. I know that I've at least survived the past, and things work out somehow eventually. 

I know I come from a God who loves me. And I know I want to get back in the end.