I Think I'm gonna be Sick...

Literally!

I cried. Now, I don't consider myself one of those "blubber" girls. You know, the ones who cry about EVERYTHING. Actually, I've done pretty well about not crying in a long while. But I've now cried twice in one week. After that huge vent about movies, I actually went to the theater with my roommates tonight and saw one of them. It wasn't "R," but it was satanic. I closed my eyes during 90% of the movie and even plugged my ears through part of it while singing "I am a child of God" in my head. I've been trying so hard lately to develop a closer connection with my Father in Heaven and to really feel the spirit. I kept thinking throughout the movie that President Hinckley would not only find the content of that movie (and all of the other billions of movies being produced these days that are exactly like it) absolutely revolting, but he would also never in a million years be caught anywhere near it.

Why did I go then? "roommate bonding." After I realized that my roommates were on an entirely different road than I am, I began to ostracize myself and mentally blame it on them. So many things have fallen into place recently that have pulled me out of their circle. For instance, Becky's infatuation (like, "I'm going to marry him someday" type) broke up with his girlfriend two weeks ago and two nights ago he asked me out. He told me that he asked Becky's permission and she told him it was "fine." That night I came home to Becky and Karma lounging on the couch with an empty pizza box. They had also watched a movie that we were suppose to have watched together. I felt like the odd-one-out. Part of the reason (according to Becky...and I agree) that our trio has become a duo plus one is because of my late nights out with Rachel. And while I know that lack of afternoon connection with my roommates is grating on our relationship, it has really revitalized my bond with Rachel. Our relationship, and even our daily exercise, has become somewhat of a life-line for me. I got sick tonight and was unable to run, but I wanted too so badly. I was so looking forward to running as fast as I could all night. Maybe I was hoping that I could run away from it all. Who knows? But instead, I went to that movie. And now I really feel like I'm going to puke!

There is just so much garbage in this world; I'm not sure how I'm going to find Him.

I have become absolutely disgusted at the state of my peers. During a ballroom class this week a girl interrupted my teacher in mid sentence during the first ten minutes of class, "Are we going to dance, or are we going to just stand around and talk?" She rolled her eyes and folded her arms. I was appalled! My teacher was so thrown off. She said "we're going to talk" and then proceeded to give us the applicable advice for obtaining dancing technique that she had begun with. Only a minute later Aubrey (my teacher) had to stop again to ask the girl to stop talking to her neighbor and listen! It was like pre-school!!! And then she had to ask again! "Excuse me. Excuse me! What did I just say?" "I don't know. I wasn't listening." "Well, please listen." It was atrocious!!!

I am emotionally and physically exhausted. I want to find my match so badly! I just can't sift through all the junk. Sadly, today I lost hope in the one guy I had hope in; and now I don't know what to feel. Part of me wants to wait to get married. I want to go to Africa and New York next summer, and those would be very hard to manage with a spouse. That part of me wants to hang on in the single world for a little longer, until I can "live" a little more. The other part of me is screaming that it doesn't care about New York, and that maybe I can date someone for about a year (beginning now!) and then get engaged near spring of next year, plan most of my wedding before summer, go to Africa and New York engaged, and then come home and get married on Aug. 16th! (The day I want to be married) I want to be completed! I need it.

Bytheway, I directed television news on air for the first time today! I only messed up once and it wasn't too bad.