Love Happens

I just saw this movie at the dollar theater:



I liked it. Even shed a few tears. :) Recommended.

I've been thinking a lot about love lately; and I have a variety thoughts to express on the subject, but I just don't think I'll get to them all tonight. Maybe eventually--in time.

I don't even know where to begin. Well, maybe for once I can just write as I used to on this blog--senseless ramblings, unfiltered jabber.

I spoke with a male friend tonight on the phone for nearly two hours. We're just friends, well, good acquaintances. And he asked me a lot of questions about my relationship with Travis. I've told that story so many times--some recounts include "these" details, others "those," and some none at all. But rarely do the words I say truly tell the story. No body really wants to hear that story.

Honestly, I don't mind talking with people about my dating life, both past and present. I don't mind, but I rarely get through such conversations without a churning stomach and nasty after-flavor. There is no need for apologies by those who bring up the topic, sometimes I really do need the talk. The problem is, I want someONE to tell my stories to. Male or Female, really, either will do. I just need a real friend, a best friend. You know, the "bosom buddy" type. I enjoy my friends and acquaintances, but I'm tired of pretending.

Do I pretend all the time? No, I don't think so. But I know I pretend often enough I confuse even myself about who I really am inside. I had a four-hour conversation a few weeks ago with the same young man mentioned above. During this conversation I let myself out a little. It's not like I divulged some deep dark secret, I only became really excited about Plato, Oedipus, and Freud. I really enjoyed myself throughout the conversation, but after a few days of thinking, I kicked myself for it. I felt so ridiculously nerdy for explaining the entire back-story of Oedipus Rex, and I felt like an overall dork for babbling so long to someone who is practically a stranger to me. He plays football and runs for Student Body President--so, he probably has an entourage of attractive women. I wonder what type of man would be interested in me.

I love love. There is something magical about it. But at this point in my life, it's easier to look the other way. I wouldn't say I'm bitter. And I've even quenched the loneliness I felt before by filling my life with many wonderful things. Yet, in spite of my rebellious attitude--planning the next ten years of my life as though I were single--there is a small grain of something inside me that says this it is so very wrong of me to picture myself alone.

Do you believe in true love? How about "meant to be" or "the one"?

Why is love seen as a cliche in today's world?

* * *

I just received a card from Gma S. in the mail. We've have this exchange going on for the past little while where I call her and then she "responds" by writing and mailing me a letter/card. It's very sweet. I love hand-written snail-mail. One day, since we're on the topic of love, I want someone to snail-mail me love letters one day.

This is written on the front of the card:

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

In her note, my Gma writes about a grandmother's love. She says that, like God's love, we have an boundless capacity to love. So what is love? Does this scripture depict Godly love? Is this what we should mean every time we say "I love you"?

Love to me:

-Inside Jokes
-Peace
-Hugs that consume my whole body and fill me with giddiness
-Forgiveness
-A confidant
-Sharing
-Imperfections
-Road trips
-Family
-Good food
-Understanding
-Selflessness
-Putting you before me
-Respect
-Caressing
-A pedestal
-Late nights filled with "I love you"s
-Unconditional
-Safe
-Letting go of expectations
-Never giving up
-Honor
-Deep conversations
-Tenderness
-Thought
-Romance
-Frozen chocolate
-Kindness
-Best friend
-Complementing and complimenting
-Passion
-Star gazing
-Honesty
-Meaning what you say
-Saying nice things
-Babies
-Patience
-Humility
-Dancing
-Working things out
-Giggling
-Kisses
-Communication
-Secrets with, not from
-Lazy Saturday mornings in bed
-Agreeing to disagree
-Eternity
-Red roses
-God
-Bryan Adams
-Gentlemen

This, I Believe

Much of my generation seems to have forgotten the simple, but unfailing values of gratitude and respect. Religion is seen as weak, and obedience as blind. Our selfish and lazy attitudes demand instant rewards others have reaped only after many years of hard work. We are immature, and uninformed. I know these faults are not exclusive to my generation, but we have attacked values at their very foundation and our ability to stand has begun to falter. Crime is on the rise. Divorce is on the rise. Bankruptcy has skyrocketed. And we have forgotten our God. I believe in the significance of the basic but most important constants. While clothing fads come and go, gas prices rise and fall, and new meanings develop over time, some values never lose their worth.

I attend a school with at least thirty-four thousand young adults of my own faith; and although religion tends to dictate one’s value system, my standards have been questioned and compromised here as much as anywhere else. I have been exposed to immoral and degrading media content; I have seen absolute and utter disrespect for one’s elders; and I have been deeply hurt by the uncaring egocentricity of others. Even the general state of our nation’s economy can be directly linked to the selfishness of bankers and the need for instant gratification by the borrowers. Many of our government leaders have been uncovered as corrupted, and all future hope rests on the shoulders of a people who do little more than text message and listen to their ipods.

I believe dedication to values would solve many of our world’s biggest problems. Government bodies and reformists must understand that the professed ‘change’ they hope to cause won’t be solved in a White houses on the hill and can’t be bought with large price tags. Change is of the heart and begins in the home.

A lot of lessons are learned within one’s own family. Parents should teach their kids to pray, say ‘thank you,’ and be patient. Video games are not a good babysitter. And Family hugs are important. We have developed such an unquenchable need for the constant go-and-do, we become too busy for these simple but important value-teaching actions. The value of motherhood is lost in the dollar sign, and our kids are suffering because of it.

I can remember learning how to waltz while standing on my dad’s feet; giggling with my mom while the smell of home-made bread wafted from the oven; and walking across a half acre lawn in a foot of snow to feed the chickens and in the scorching summer heat to weed the garden. I’m not perfect, but I am who I am because of the values my parents taught me while in my youth.
Parents, teach your children. Children, listen to your parents. Values create character, and character is the foundation of a better world. This I believe.

Virtuous, Lovely, or of Good Report or Praiseworthy

I'm really struggling right now. I have high hopes, and a deep desire to be good and do well in my life. However, I don't feel the people I continually hang out with are helping me achieve my goals. I love my friends to death. We really enjoy hanging out with each other. But life is not one big continual party, and I'm sick of the "hang-overs." I can't live with people who don't lift me up.

I can remember Young Women's lessons in church about carefully selecting good friends. The necessity to leave bad friends seemed obvious and simple in all of our quant hypothetical situations. "Your friends invite you to watch an R-rated movie with them; what do you do?" "Your friends encourage you to skip school or church; what do you do?" "Your friends choose to sleep-in instead of going to the service project; what do you do?" --"If they're doing these things, then they're not really your friends at all. And you need new friends." Such an easy answer.

President Gordon B. Hinckley taught:
"Be clean. I cannot emphasize that enough. Be clean. It is very, very important and you at your age are in such temptation all the time. It is thrown at you on television. It is thrown at you in books and magazines and videos. You do not have to rent them. Don't do it. Just don't do it. Don't look at them. If somebody proposes that you sit around all night watching some of that sleazy stuff, you say, "It's not for me. Stay away from it." (Denver Colorado, youth meeting, 14 Apr. 1996, Quote by Elder Joe J. Christensen, Ensign Nov. 1996, p. 40)

We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.
(13th Article of Faith)

"Anna, always associate with individuals who have high ideals and high standards and a desire to do what our Heavenly Father expects of them."

Please stop being so incredibly selfish!
If you walk into the kitchen and see that I am doing your dishes, don't sneak back out!
Sometimes you should just do things because they are nice, not because you get something out of it.
Don't leave food and dishes out all over the kitchen and living room.
Take out the garbage sometimes.
Stop asking me to join you in doing things that are against my standards!
Be respectful.
Stop sleeping all over the living room!
Go to church.
Throw the empty TP roll away, and replace it!
Support people--even when you don't get anything out of it.
Did I say, DO YOUR DISHES?!
Do your homework.
The sexual jokes are just too much.
Don't be incredibly rude and then cushion it with "I love you."

Grow up.

And let me grow up too.

The Answers that Nobody Sticks Around For:

"What's Up?" --a question so flippantly asked. Well, here's the answer that nobody sticks around long enough to hear:

Finals are done--thankfully. For a bit there, I wasn't sure if I was going to make it through. But I did. And here I am. Actually, there is a small chance (once again) that I can get my first 4.0 here at BYU. A few of my classes are a real tossup (like always) as to whether they'll be "A"s or "A-"s. Keep your fingers crossed.
Some of my professors have really ticked me off this finals time though. I don't understand how they can spend an entire semester teaching (or not teaching) one thing, and then harshly grade a final that had to do with entirely different things!!
It's funny, at the beginning of this semester I looked over everything that I would have to do until I reached the point that I am at now; and I may have shed a tear or two at all that was expected of me during 'Fall semester 2008.' I told myself "if I can survive this, it'll be a real accomplishment." I don't like giving myself a pat on the back; but I must say "I'm a survivor." It's funny I guess, because in pure hindsight bias the semester wasn't as bad as I had anticipated. But then again, call me Dante because it was a real trip through Hell. I'm not sure why that's funny. I guess the semester was just so good and so bad at the same time that I'm not sure how to feel about it. Either way, it's in my past. And soon I will not only put this semester to bed, but the entire year of 2008.

I had a real burst of future hopes yesterday. I watched several dance movies and they always get me going. I have really big plans for next summer! I want to take hip-hop lessons and maybe ballroom, guitar lessons, write and read a ton, get my ASL interpreting certification, get a random job, maybe take classes, and stay at home with my family! It's gonna be a great summer.
But before I even get to next summer, I'm really looking forward to next semester too. I'm not really sure if I'm going to be able to handle everything I'm signed up for though. I actually had a dream about it last night. The whole night I struggled with decisions of what to participate in and what not to. A lot of my anxiety stems from my new job as Technical Director of the Daily News on Fridays. I just don't think that it fits in my schedule. And even more than that, when I pray about it I keep feeling like I need to decline the position. The answer seems so obvious on paper, but I just worry that withdrawing will give me a bad reputation in the news room, and I don't want to lose a skill that I think is fun either. But seriously, I'm signed up for 17 credits and two part-time jobs! Yeah, I know, I'm crazy. I'm so excited for all of my classes, and the first thing that I would drop would be directing. It's sad, but I think I'm just going to have to get the guts up to say something. As far as the classes that I hope to keep: Living Prophets, Intro to Guitar, Intro to Latin Ballroom Dance, Intro to Standard Ballroom Dance, Media History & Philosophy, Television News Production, British Literary History 1, and Creative Writing. I can't wait!

In looking to the future, I can't help but often wonder where my life will be in five years. I see a lot of my friends going off and getting married, starting their families. I'm also making a lot of new friends who got married before I even met them. Being at BYU, and reaching the ripe "old" age of twenty, the favorite topic of conversation among most people I know is :
"Who are you dating?"
"How's your dating life?"
"We're trying to get pregnant."
"You guys are going to get married, I know it."
"I'm sorry your social life sucks."
"I'm engaged!"
"I'm pregnant!"
"Have you guys kissed yet?"
"Being single is good...I guess."
I tried picturing myself with kids. I can see it--ten years from now! Last night, as I lay in bed, I realized that I had never even pictured myself in a wedding dress. I imagined a reception setting a few times, and it was kinda hard to put myself in the bride's shoes. Even harder was to find someone to stand in for the groom. I kind of have a 'crush,' or as I like to say "I'm minutely interested" in a guy in my ward right now. I really don't think that he is interested in the slightest, and my own interest is waning, but my mom says not to slam the door of my heart on him yet. She thinks that I should give him next semester; I'm giving him the first month--tops. Honestly, I don't want him (or anyone else for that matter) to "fall madly in love with me" and want to marry me next semester. I just want a really good friend for now. Maybe even merge into boyfriend. But for now, I'm so incredibly single (as usual) that it's not even funny. It's a good think I like being single some of the time, or else I might go crazy over it (like some people I know...).
Right now, I'm not even near the person that I'd like to be when I get married and start a family. Let's just say, I have a lot of goals for next year; a lot of areas for improvement.

Karma and I have had a really good experience visiting teaching this semester. One of our teachees has really opened up to us and really seems to depend on us a lot for emotional support. I really hope that we can be everything that she needs.

Oh! I found some new songs that I really like: Fred Jones, Part 2--Ben Folds, Fix You--Coldplay, and X & Y--Coldplay. Some of Avril Lavigne's songs have really hit the mark these past few weeks.
And, of course, my "Most Often Played" Playlist still holds most of my overplayed favorites.

Hmm...I think that's pretty much it for now. Thanks for asking.

How are you?

Running For My Life

I went running. It took courage. I did it.

The Problem with Pain

There is so much pain around me—pain that I cannot heal. I hurt, they hurt. And now I hurt from my own problems and from theirs. But I cannot heal them. Why does death take loved ones from us early? Why do illnesses debilitate the faithful, the righteous, and undeserving? But most of all, why can I do nothing?!

Stream of consciousness

For as hard as it is to grow up, it sure feels good afterwards. I can only relate this phenomenon to exercise. Point made. I feel as though I am really discovering myself through the process though; clearly I’m not there yet, but I’m learning so much. My most recently learned lessons are that I am an incredible twit sometimes (in the bad way), that I have a soul mate searching for me, and that I have a lot of growing up left to do in my life. I’ve discovered that life can bring me incredible joy beyond the possible pain. For as much as I love being a student whose life is saturated in the university environment, I think that I really will be ready to move on and have a real life after graduation. I love all that life can offer. I especially love the arts: movies, museums, music, theater, dance, literature, photography, life. They are all magical and bring joy to my everyday mundane.

Now, about the everyday mundane:
I’ve moved into a new apartment. As you can see, I’ve written more since I’ve moved in and that’s not because my new roommates are bringing me uncontrollable joy to write about. They are very cordial, nice. They are quiet and reserved. That is virtually all that I know about them and I’ve lived here for two weeks. Granted, that’s not very long, but long enough.

Recently I’ve felt as though there is something inside of me that is struggling to come out, but just doesn’t know how. I wish that I could identify this source of internal pressure. Or at least discover the outlet by way its release might come about. I feel as though my head is not yet smart enough to say what my soul already knows. Listening to music, daydreaming, and surrounding myself with the art and inspiration that I love only encourages the swelling, but not the release.

For as much as I love life, I’ve also had some very conflicting thoughts about it as well. “What’s the point?” I’ve often wondered. I am very religious and understand that perspective, but my brain can’t really wrap itself around the entire concept of what the purpose of stress, time, and the details of the day really mean in the entire scheme of things.

Random stream, I know. Yet, mind you, this is merely a minute snippet of how my mind operates on a minute to minute basis.

And the day goes on…

The random thoughts I have

Okay, I know that I haven’t been on for awhile. This is partly because I have been extremely busy, and partly because in spite of all of my business nothing exciting has happened.

I have a few issues on my mind that I would like to vent at this time. First of all, why is it that why you like a guy and believe that you are sending out all of the right signals he just doesn’t get it, at all; but if you don’t like a guy, to just be nice to him means “come get me I’m yours.”

Secondly, I am so tired. Tired from lack of physical rest and tired from lack of mental rest. I have learned some very important concepts in the past few days about my life and the direction it should be taking. Those who know me also know that I am somewhat of a perfectionist and extremely anal about the phrase “doing my best.” I did some research on the topic of perfection, and directed my search primarily towards God’s definition of perfection. I discovered how I far off the mark I have been for so very long. My efforts towards perfection (according to my definition) stem from my deeply rooted desire to impress those around me, primarily my Heavenly Father, parents, family, and associates, not limited to, but specifically including those I do and those I would like to date. Now, after having said all of this, I realized that my “success” does not determine who I am and should not determine how others view me. It is not the result or out come that I should be judged by, as this is the role of Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father. More accurately, others should view me through my efforts, not the result but instead the process. I am tired because I am running so very fast in directions that are good, but not always necessary. I have decided to slow down—to rest. And as my dear roommate would say, “have some fun Anna! Lighten up. Live a little.” I think that I just might.

Am I weird? Sometimes I just wonder…

Last week I had a run-in with life, and those I live with. I wound up with a little time one my hands alone in the dark to think. For many years I have felt somewhat out of place in life. I use to say that I was always looking for my “niche.” This week I realized that I have a niche. I am who I am; I don’t need to change that to fit into someone’s niche. And that it is not someone’s niche that I am looking to fit in, but instead someone I am looking to fit into mine. It occurred to me that someone is out there just for me. And that they will love me, eternally, for exactly who I am. I won’t need to feel embarrassed about any aspect of myself, but will be accompanied in both the late night philosophical conversations and the even later night hyperactivity. Someday I’ll find my best friend-today is just not that day.

Hum…I think that is all on my mind for now. Actually, with the head cold that I now have, there’s not much room for anything at all in my throbbing head.

Another day…Another thought…Another feeling.

Life's Just Too Short...

May I never take life too seriously.

May I never take a single breath for granted.