"Smile Like You're Having Fun"

In this beautiful city called New York...

...on this beautiful day in this beautiful city...

...boy...

...met girl.

.................

Adventures:

We saw Memphis on Broadway!

It was a fabulous play!!!! ...interesting experience. I still have mixed emotions.

Sandwich?

More time at the MET, yay!

Armor made for the "fat" king.

umm... creepy!

One of the day's favorites:

two naked men playing with...

????

Pointing out squirrels in Central Park.

We even managed to get a shot with the Statue of Liberty in the background!

At FAO Schwarz.

Best smelling store EVER.

On the Empire State Building.

Reflection shots off the Empire State Building.

And...

...they lived happily ever after (on the Brooklyn Bridge).

THE END.

Virtually Dating

He asked me out.

It came with a gift.

And he said not to touch.

He made it very clear.

I was too excited.

He said he prepared for that.

Box 1: He took me "out" to lunch.

Box 2: We shared "deep conversation."

Box 3: We colored together.

Box 4: And we said, "Good night."

In the Kitchen

Here is the kitchen at work that has chandeliers, bagels and coffee.

Here is the man I saw in the kitchen.

Here is the same man I saw again outside our building.

Next time I might just say "hi" to Mr. Reeves.

A {Wonderful} Weekend

Dinner with Zack.

Made it through classes.

Cross Country Skiing.


Dance party.

Late Wendy's run.

Hanging till 1am.

Notecards--lots of them {not so wonderful}.


Zebra party.

Chocolate chips and Step Up.

Lots of journal writing.

Curly hair.

Deaf ward.

Making baguettes.

Moving On, Moving Up

Many of you have heard my "Travis story"--some of you in more detail than others; but I think that story has finally come to an end. I did a really hard thing and may have just closed the door between the two of us permanently. I think that's a good thing though--sad, but only in some ways, and still very good for me.

"The End" sometimes means, "Once Upon A Time"...

Google Yourself

Finals ended. Holidays started.
It's been a wonderful year, and I had plans to write all about my current life quandaries, excitements, understandings, and opinions, but instead, I can't bring myself to ignore a discovery I made this evening. Finally getting past the semester, I've just sat down to reacquaint myself with this wonderful online journal of mine, and in doing so I've been pleasantly distracted with the number of hits I've had from people (boys) googling their names and finding themselves on my dating list. I even had a friend of mine inform me of his discover of my blog. I only wish people would leave comments so I could have more reactions than just that of this solitary friend. The irony of this whole googling thing is for as much as we'd like to know what other people can discover about us by googling our name, we seem to only google our own names!
I hadn't intended to make such a list--I truly haven't kept it all my life, I merely complied it during a boring day in my creative writing class a day before posting it--but I'm sure glad I did, seeing how much entertainment it has brought me.
So, go ahead, now that you've read this, you know you want to--google yourself.

Dates

Sonnet 1

I walk alone along my path in life.
The men surrounding me are merely boys,
And will not be my match nor I their wife.
I flit from date to date with dancer’s poise,
But their left feet destroy the tandem flow.
My toes, they hurt! and I resent dim youth
Who will not take the lead that real men show:
to guide me forward with their moves—so smooth.
Someday I may just find my perfect match—
The glove that fits my hand with loving ease.
And when he comes into my life to catch
My eyes and ask me with a gentle ‘please,’
I will not hesitate to say I’ll be
His one true love for all eternity.

Joseph Featherstone 1

Trevor Dixon 1
Danny Rich 1
Branden Whiting 1
Matt Behunin 1
Sam Balaza 1
Steve Nelson 1
Taylor Summers 1
Todd Haskin 1
William Day 1
Jared Aida 1
Andrew Christiansen 1
Shem Hawks 1
Joseph Keeler 1
Brett Millet 1
Brad Bishop 1
Evan Grady 1
Bobby Richards 1
Brian Yarrington 1
Chad Steep 1
Chris Clark 1
Jacob Call 1
Trent Boulter 1
Mark Neilson 1
Brent Littlefield 1
Aaron Barker 1
Colten Hadabaugh 1
James Mitchell 1
Chris McLaughlin 1

Ephraim Olson 2-4
Eric Paat 2-4
Josh Worley 2-4
Parker James 2-4
Dan Rescke 2-4
Mike Bishop 2-4
Adam Simmons 2-4
Daniel Jones 2-4
Ryan Lacanienta 2-4
Billy Errico 2-4
Tyler Barber 2-4
Brad Reeder 2-4
Austin Russell 2-4
Brian Gibson 2-4
Dan Bean 2-4
Rob Shepherd 2-4
Jeff Van Hulten 2-4
Nate Amsden 2-4
Ken Clark 2-4
Kevin Taylor 2-4
Travis Boyer 2-4

Robbie Bullough 5-10
Zack Boman 5-10
Seth Wood 5-10
Chad Spencer 5-10
Marshall Jensen 5-10
Paul Montoya 5-10
Moe Smith 5-10

Eric Riddle 10<
Aaron Christiansen 10<
Jacob Hanks 10<
Andrew Fox 10<
Mike Morgan 20<
Travis Nixon 50<

Date? ...oh, I've dated.

Toast!

Hehe. This came from my dad. I like.

Anna,

Today a woman shared with me a toast that she and her roommates used to give in college before they would have a drink together (water of course). I thought you might find it handy at some dinner, so here it is.

Here’s to the boys that we like. Here’s to the boys that like us. Since the boys that we like aren’t the boys that like us, to heck with the boys here’s to us.

Love,

Dad

Thanks, Dad.

Love Happens

I just saw this movie at the dollar theater:



I liked it. Even shed a few tears. :) Recommended.

I've been thinking a lot about love lately; and I have a variety thoughts to express on the subject, but I just don't think I'll get to them all tonight. Maybe eventually--in time.

I don't even know where to begin. Well, maybe for once I can just write as I used to on this blog--senseless ramblings, unfiltered jabber.

I spoke with a male friend tonight on the phone for nearly two hours. We're just friends, well, good acquaintances. And he asked me a lot of questions about my relationship with Travis. I've told that story so many times--some recounts include "these" details, others "those," and some none at all. But rarely do the words I say truly tell the story. No body really wants to hear that story.

Honestly, I don't mind talking with people about my dating life, both past and present. I don't mind, but I rarely get through such conversations without a churning stomach and nasty after-flavor. There is no need for apologies by those who bring up the topic, sometimes I really do need the talk. The problem is, I want someONE to tell my stories to. Male or Female, really, either will do. I just need a real friend, a best friend. You know, the "bosom buddy" type. I enjoy my friends and acquaintances, but I'm tired of pretending.

Do I pretend all the time? No, I don't think so. But I know I pretend often enough I confuse even myself about who I really am inside. I had a four-hour conversation a few weeks ago with the same young man mentioned above. During this conversation I let myself out a little. It's not like I divulged some deep dark secret, I only became really excited about Plato, Oedipus, and Freud. I really enjoyed myself throughout the conversation, but after a few days of thinking, I kicked myself for it. I felt so ridiculously nerdy for explaining the entire back-story of Oedipus Rex, and I felt like an overall dork for babbling so long to someone who is practically a stranger to me. He plays football and runs for Student Body President--so, he probably has an entourage of attractive women. I wonder what type of man would be interested in me.

I love love. There is something magical about it. But at this point in my life, it's easier to look the other way. I wouldn't say I'm bitter. And I've even quenched the loneliness I felt before by filling my life with many wonderful things. Yet, in spite of my rebellious attitude--planning the next ten years of my life as though I were single--there is a small grain of something inside me that says this it is so very wrong of me to picture myself alone.

Do you believe in true love? How about "meant to be" or "the one"?

Why is love seen as a cliche in today's world?

* * *

I just received a card from Gma S. in the mail. We've have this exchange going on for the past little while where I call her and then she "responds" by writing and mailing me a letter/card. It's very sweet. I love hand-written snail-mail. One day, since we're on the topic of love, I want someone to snail-mail me love letters one day.

This is written on the front of the card:

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

In her note, my Gma writes about a grandmother's love. She says that, like God's love, we have an boundless capacity to love. So what is love? Does this scripture depict Godly love? Is this what we should mean every time we say "I love you"?

Love to me:

-Inside Jokes
-Peace
-Hugs that consume my whole body and fill me with giddiness
-Forgiveness
-A confidant
-Sharing
-Imperfections
-Road trips
-Family
-Good food
-Understanding
-Selflessness
-Putting you before me
-Respect
-Caressing
-A pedestal
-Late nights filled with "I love you"s
-Unconditional
-Safe
-Letting go of expectations
-Never giving up
-Honor
-Deep conversations
-Tenderness
-Thought
-Romance
-Frozen chocolate
-Kindness
-Best friend
-Complementing and complimenting
-Passion
-Star gazing
-Honesty
-Meaning what you say
-Saying nice things
-Babies
-Patience
-Humility
-Dancing
-Working things out
-Giggling
-Kisses
-Communication
-Secrets with, not from
-Lazy Saturday mornings in bed
-Agreeing to disagree
-Eternity
-Red roses
-God
-Bryan Adams
-Gentlemen

Great Weekend

I had an amazing weekend. I ran a 5k (again...Rachel and I are getting so good at running!). Then went on a date with William D. He’s been a friend of mine for almost a year now, and we’ve always gotten along really well. I don’t normally date guys younger than me because I find them to be terribly immature. However, William has always impressed me with his levelheadedness. We helped out with a service project for two hours: stuffing and sewing footballs and making games for an autistic children’s school. It was wonderful. Surprisingly, Will was even subtly flirtatious; and we had a great time. We were so into the projects that we missed our bus home and ended up wandering the Wilk and joining a game of 4-square! I haven’t played since 3rd grade! We caught a sneak peek of the Latin dancing in the ballroom and a quick game of foosball in the bowling alley. And always a favorite, we looked at the stars on our way back from the bus. It was great. When I got home, my roomies and I took off to a slumber party. I really had no intentions of sleeping over, but I was going to enjoy as much of the party as my tired body could. It too was awesome. I ate two pieces of pizza, a bowl of muddy buddies, a pack of gushers, and a bit of chocolate cake and worms in dirt. Girls were running around shooting guns and bows and arrows, dancing, and playing with the Unicorn!

Saturday was awesome too. I saw my first silent movie with live organ accompaniment! It was so neat! Good friends, good fun, and the 1920 version of "The Mark of Zorro."

Sonnet 1 -Revised

I walk alone along my path in life.
The men surrounding me are merely boys
And will not be my match nor I their wife.
I flit from date to date with dancer’s poise,
But their left feet destroy the tandem flow.
My toes, they hurt! and I resent dim youth
Who will not take the lead that real men show;
to guide me forward with their moves—so smooth.
Someday I may just find my perfect match—
The glove that fits my hand with loving ease.
And when he comes into my life to catch
My eyes and ask me with a gentle ‘please;’
I will not hesitate to say I’ll be
His one true love for all eternity.

See original poem here.

Going to the Gym--Together

I didn't need to pee, but we had to go together. I was in the second grade--seven years old, and very insecure. I had a few random friends, but I mostly followed the crowd at this point in my life. When one girl had to use the ladies' room, of course, we all had to go. This female ritual didn't change throughout junior high school, high school, and even into college. However, my confidence level and attitude toward the habit did change. By the age of twelve, I found it absolutely ridiculous that we need to hold each other's hand to pee like I hold my six-year-old sister's hand. Needless to say, I no longer follow the crowd. Yet, in spite of my conformity-rebellion, the habit hasn't changed in others, and the stereotype persists. Many a man has mocked this strange tendency of women to flock in support of one another.

But the odds were evened when I noticed men have a flocking habit of their own. At the gym, like my solo flying, some men go to work out on their own. These individuals work quietly from machine to machine either trying to go unnoticed, or being too self-absorbed in their own muscles to notice anyone else. Yet, there is another kind of gym goer--the kind that travels in groups. They surround each other and take turns on one machine while the rest watch. After each set is completed, they rotate and draw attention with encouraging hoots and congratulatory "manly" slaps on their groupies’ rear-end. So, next time a group of women walk to the bathroom together for their gossip fest (while this remains something I disapprove of), just think--at least they don't have to slap each other's butts on the way.

Sonnet 1

I walk alone along my path in life.
The men surrounding me are merely boys
And will not be my match nor I their wife.
I flit from date to date with dancer’s poise,
But their left feet destroy the tandem flow.
My toes all hurt and head throbs with despair.
A lucky few get close but then they go
And tear my heart to shreds beyond repair.
Someday I may just find my perfect match—
The glove that fits my hand with loving ease.
And when he comes into my life to catch
My eyes and ask me with a smile and ‘please’;
I will not hesitate to say I’ll be
His one true love for all eternity.

The Answers that Nobody Sticks Around For:

"What's Up?" --a question so flippantly asked. Well, here's the answer that nobody sticks around long enough to hear:

Finals are done--thankfully. For a bit there, I wasn't sure if I was going to make it through. But I did. And here I am. Actually, there is a small chance (once again) that I can get my first 4.0 here at BYU. A few of my classes are a real tossup (like always) as to whether they'll be "A"s or "A-"s. Keep your fingers crossed.
Some of my professors have really ticked me off this finals time though. I don't understand how they can spend an entire semester teaching (or not teaching) one thing, and then harshly grade a final that had to do with entirely different things!!
It's funny, at the beginning of this semester I looked over everything that I would have to do until I reached the point that I am at now; and I may have shed a tear or two at all that was expected of me during 'Fall semester 2008.' I told myself "if I can survive this, it'll be a real accomplishment." I don't like giving myself a pat on the back; but I must say "I'm a survivor." It's funny I guess, because in pure hindsight bias the semester wasn't as bad as I had anticipated. But then again, call me Dante because it was a real trip through Hell. I'm not sure why that's funny. I guess the semester was just so good and so bad at the same time that I'm not sure how to feel about it. Either way, it's in my past. And soon I will not only put this semester to bed, but the entire year of 2008.

I had a real burst of future hopes yesterday. I watched several dance movies and they always get me going. I have really big plans for next summer! I want to take hip-hop lessons and maybe ballroom, guitar lessons, write and read a ton, get my ASL interpreting certification, get a random job, maybe take classes, and stay at home with my family! It's gonna be a great summer.
But before I even get to next summer, I'm really looking forward to next semester too. I'm not really sure if I'm going to be able to handle everything I'm signed up for though. I actually had a dream about it last night. The whole night I struggled with decisions of what to participate in and what not to. A lot of my anxiety stems from my new job as Technical Director of the Daily News on Fridays. I just don't think that it fits in my schedule. And even more than that, when I pray about it I keep feeling like I need to decline the position. The answer seems so obvious on paper, but I just worry that withdrawing will give me a bad reputation in the news room, and I don't want to lose a skill that I think is fun either. But seriously, I'm signed up for 17 credits and two part-time jobs! Yeah, I know, I'm crazy. I'm so excited for all of my classes, and the first thing that I would drop would be directing. It's sad, but I think I'm just going to have to get the guts up to say something. As far as the classes that I hope to keep: Living Prophets, Intro to Guitar, Intro to Latin Ballroom Dance, Intro to Standard Ballroom Dance, Media History & Philosophy, Television News Production, British Literary History 1, and Creative Writing. I can't wait!

In looking to the future, I can't help but often wonder where my life will be in five years. I see a lot of my friends going off and getting married, starting their families. I'm also making a lot of new friends who got married before I even met them. Being at BYU, and reaching the ripe "old" age of twenty, the favorite topic of conversation among most people I know is :
"Who are you dating?"
"How's your dating life?"
"We're trying to get pregnant."
"You guys are going to get married, I know it."
"I'm sorry your social life sucks."
"I'm engaged!"
"I'm pregnant!"
"Have you guys kissed yet?"
"Being single is good...I guess."
I tried picturing myself with kids. I can see it--ten years from now! Last night, as I lay in bed, I realized that I had never even pictured myself in a wedding dress. I imagined a reception setting a few times, and it was kinda hard to put myself in the bride's shoes. Even harder was to find someone to stand in for the groom. I kind of have a 'crush,' or as I like to say "I'm minutely interested" in a guy in my ward right now. I really don't think that he is interested in the slightest, and my own interest is waning, but my mom says not to slam the door of my heart on him yet. She thinks that I should give him next semester; I'm giving him the first month--tops. Honestly, I don't want him (or anyone else for that matter) to "fall madly in love with me" and want to marry me next semester. I just want a really good friend for now. Maybe even merge into boyfriend. But for now, I'm so incredibly single (as usual) that it's not even funny. It's a good think I like being single some of the time, or else I might go crazy over it (like some people I know...).
Right now, I'm not even near the person that I'd like to be when I get married and start a family. Let's just say, I have a lot of goals for next year; a lot of areas for improvement.

Karma and I have had a really good experience visiting teaching this semester. One of our teachees has really opened up to us and really seems to depend on us a lot for emotional support. I really hope that we can be everything that she needs.

Oh! I found some new songs that I really like: Fred Jones, Part 2--Ben Folds, Fix You--Coldplay, and X & Y--Coldplay. Some of Avril Lavigne's songs have really hit the mark these past few weeks.
And, of course, my "Most Often Played" Playlist still holds most of my overplayed favorites.

Hmm...I think that's pretty much it for now. Thanks for asking.

How are you?

An Overview

So, once again I'm supposed to be studying, but I'm not. I have so much to talk about that I don't even know where to begin. I'll start from now and move backwards and we'll see how far I get in the little time I have.

First of all, I went on a blind date last night. Anyone who knows me very well at all knows how much I absolutely abhor blind dates. Every blind date I've ever been on (minor disclaimer: I've technically only been on 5 blind dates) ends messy or simply ends absolutely (although my experience with Aaron C. ended messy 10+ dates later...nonetheless, it still wasn't the most pleasant experience). However, I must say, last night I was quite pleasantly surprised. I really enjoyed myself. Now, as another disclaimer, it wasn't the best date that I have ever been on, but I couldn't have expected any more for a first date. Congratulations Dan. No fireworks, but fabulous fun. Honestly, I don't really know why I typically have a hard time with first dates. Probably because I hate being restricted to insignificant small talk and you can't go very much beyond that in a first date, let alone a blind date. Dan R. did a very good job attempting to get to know me and keeping conversation going. Heaven knows how much I can babble when I am familiar with someone, but I always have a hard time with conversation initially. He almost had my defensive shell completely cracked before the night was through. I was a little taken back at how gentlemanly he behaved. Even though Mike M. and I have been on over 25 dates and I've been out with other guys in my ward, etc. since my Mike B. episode back in march, Mike B. was the last time I can remember being driven anywhere in particular with a guy. And he didn't open the door... Because it has been so long, and I haven't been in a position that allows the male race a chance to defend their unbecoming behavior, I couldn't help but smile when I realized that Dan R. had this absolutely necessary value. And he didn't lose it throughout the remainder of the evening, but instead proved himself again and again.
Throughout the week I have been praying that he would be strong enough to counter my conversation flaw and that I wouldn't judge him too quickly one way or the other. My prayers were answered.
Conclusion: Besides my inability to be myself entirely (which is unquestionably expected for me on first/blind dates...most of the time), I'd have to say that the only bad thing about the whole night is that I lost my watch (oh, and my lack of self-confidence didn't permit me to admit that although I love music, I can't name a singly song or band for the life of me. I have a theory as for why that is...but we'll save that for another day). I’d say I’d be good for a second date—definitely.

Work has been crazy recently. As for my actual tasks at work, I’ve been quite unaccomplished lately because of my inefficiencies. Lack of sleep, unnecessary drama, and too much stress has been messing with my abilities lately. I don’t think that I will ever work full time and go to school full time again. Summer term I’ll still be full time for both, but I don’t think that it will be too bad. I’m not planning on having the same social life that I have this term, and if I stay focused and get more sleep I should be able to survive until fall—just to start things all over again (which I’m a little worried about, by-the-way).
I started anchoring news this week and I’ve also begun work on a feature story, but I haven’t been as good at it as I’d hoped. I’m recording all of my “attempts,” so when I become famous and give lectures at Capital Theater (reference to the Terry Gross lecture I went to!) I can also play my beginning bloopers.
Mostly, my problems stem from co-workers currently. I thought that I had gotten away from co-worker problems by quitting my last job (even though I loved it!). Just thinking about my last job brings back all of those nauseating feelings all over again, and although my current job could never possibly get as bad as my previous experience, I don’t even want a mole hill. Just to give you a small recap, my co-worker/supervisor N.I. has something going on in her life that I think is causing rippling effects in the way she associates and behaves. She is 15 years older than me, but sometimes she doesn’t act like it. She’s gotten my other co-worker K.H. in such a tizzy about the church, K.H. has questioned her testimony altogether. I’m spent late nights and long workdays trying to reason with her, but ultimately the decision is hers. Don't get me wrong, we are really good friends, but I just think that the whole thing is simply silly. Why do things have to be so dramatic? While I am a girl, and I do understand some drama, I truly believe there is far too much unnecessary tragedy in life.

I went to the temple again this week. (Sadly I missed last week, but I realized after being highly tempted to pass up this week too, that I’m going to spite Satan and not miss again). The temple worker had multiple pierced ears and I was really confused about her ability to work at the temple in such a state. The temple is my escape from the world, but it was still there… the church is perfect, the members aren’t. Coincidentally, while reading this month’s first presidency message, I realized that although many people believe the words of the prophets to be flexible and interpretable, they simply aren’t. The word of God is what it is…

I am so glad for this term to be over this week! Once again, I don’t believe I will be successful at obtaining my desired 4.0, but that doesn’t mean that I won’t try again…and again. Sometimes I wish that I didn’t have to work and take classes at the same time, and sometimes I wish that I didn’t have to take classes and work at the same time, but all too often, I’m really glad I’m so blessed to be able to manage both.

I went to a pool party today. I really wasn’t planning on going. The only reason I mention it is because I’m now sun burnt. Eh. It was bound to happen.

Everyone has told me my desire to double major is crazy and impossible; that is, everyone except for my mom. I really think that I’d like to try for it. Aim for the heavens…at worst, you’re going to reach the stars. If I have to settle for an English minor, I will. But for now it’s going to be a major.
I don’t really know how my future is going to pan out. I can put my mission papers in a year from now, but I don’t know if a mission is in my cards. Although I become discouraged about guys frequently, I truly know that marriage is in my future. Now, how soon that card is played is an entirely different story. As always I question my future balance of career and family, but I know that everything will work out. I know that I’m being watched over. And I also know that there are great plans for me in both my career and family if I can faithfully follow God’s guiding hand.

Well, my studies call. The hard part is that I don’t actually have any particular assignments. Just extra credit stuff and massive amounts of finals prep. I’ll try and shpeal again soon.

Yesterday:

I’m trying to catch you up on the portions of my life that time has not permitted me to write. I didn’t really do anything exciting for most of the day. After sleeping in until 7:30, I worked from 9am-4:30pm. It was a really long day. I was actually supposed to work until 5:30ish, but I felt sick and became incredibly unproductive so I just left.
Because I got home a little earlier than planned, I had my “talk” with Mike. It was ok… I’m just not exactly sure how to express my feelings about relationships to myself all the time, and yet he wants me to explain them to him. Honestly, his intentions are pure, but if he wants to get to know me, he needs to get to know more about me than my thoughts and feelings about current and past relationships!!! I really don’t like that he doesn’t make me laugh. I think that most of my fabulous conversations are about either incredibly serious or humorous topics. He rarely covers either. Don’t get me wrong…he is a great guy and trying really hard. I know that I am being incredibly harsh but something really is missing. He is a great guy that I enjoy spending time with on my good days, but he isn’t emotionally there for me on my bad days when I probably need someone the most. If one’s company can’t weather my bad days, they simply won’t last for the good. I don’t know what to do…
Our talk was cut rather short though when I was called away to attend my “Mexi-party” with Rachel and Stephanie. It was great! I still felt sick during the first half though, so that was kinda a bummer, but the evening progressed quite nicely. Honestly, I really can’t go shopping with those girls and expect to get out of the store when planned! We really are time wasters when together. Dinner of Spanish rice, tacos, and toquitoes was great! During and afterward we discussed a variety of topics and really had an enjoyable evening together. There was only a small interruption of me locking myself out of my apartment by accident—first, and hopefully last, time this year.

Uh...marriage???

Okay, I don’t even know where to start. First of all, my life is great. I have a very nice life with a wonderful family, job, education, and decent social life. Sometimes I can feel like I’m on top of the world…and others…
Today I toured KUER. I had a fabulous experience and became really excited about my future, primarily my future career. It has become very clear to me during the past week that journalism will definitely be a part of my future life. However, my emotions take a definite turn when I talk about the aspects of my future. I have really struggled with my homework this evening and decided to take a break after three hours and check out a few friends on facebook. To my surprise, someone that I had been highly interested in last semester has a girlfriend. Honestly, I was more surprised with my reaction than with this fact alone. My heart leaped and my stomach churned. Why is that? I was sure that I was completely over him. And worse than that, he was never really in to me and probably hasn’t thought twice about me since he walked away. But something in me was frustrated, even angry, and rather hurt. Again, why is that? I have not only dated other people since my idiotic infatuation with this individual, I have also been interested in someone else and have also had a relationship of my own. To be entirely truthful with myself, I think that the reason I was hurt and the reason I am not satisfied with my current relationship(s), regardless of their level, is because I really am searching for my match. And last night, I realized how much I really want to find him. That may sound incredibly sappy/cheesy, however, I really don’t care what others think at this point, because I know that marriage will make me happy. I want to fall in love. Divorce, fighting, and future trials scare me to some degree, but I think that my love for my future husband and his love for me will run so deep that these things will not be an issue for us. I love him. I pray for him. And I will find him soon.
Roommates are an interesting association. I have had a variety of roommates over my span of time away from home. My very first roommate was weird; this term is not mean in a critical, derogitory, or rude fassion, she simply was just that—weird. My second roommate was entirely infatuated with a boy and while she was nice, I had little association with her. However, “little” is more than I can say I had with my next roommate, whom I saw a total of five times throughout the summer term even though we shared a room together. And then, my roommates Becky, Karma, and Emily came along. I grew to love each one of them very much. I can’t say that they weren’t hard to live with, or that we were problem free, but I did love them. Our relationships are that of superb friends. Yet even this does not satisfy my crave for companionship. My current roommates are again nice and even so much as pleasant, however my assocation with them is limited, as is the extent of our relationship. To be quite frank, I am done with roommates, even the ones that I say I love. As I disclaimer, I want to clarify that just because I don’t want to be roommates with them anymore doesn’t mean that I don’t love them, and if I had to be roommates with anyone it would be them. However, I want an eternal bedmate, that’s all. I use to think that marriage was the end of my social life, or that I had more life to live before I got married, but I realized that my life will truly begin when I can stop searching for him and start living with him. I want someone to be there and listen to all of my daily shpeals with patience and love. I want to care and love someone.
Okay, I’ve offically scared myself with this little speech. I sound like the girls I roll my eyes at…who come to BYU simply for marriage. I guess I just worry whether or not I will ever fall in love, that's all...

The random thoughts I have

Okay, I know that I haven’t been on for awhile. This is partly because I have been extremely busy, and partly because in spite of all of my business nothing exciting has happened.

I have a few issues on my mind that I would like to vent at this time. First of all, why is it that why you like a guy and believe that you are sending out all of the right signals he just doesn’t get it, at all; but if you don’t like a guy, to just be nice to him means “come get me I’m yours.”

Secondly, I am so tired. Tired from lack of physical rest and tired from lack of mental rest. I have learned some very important concepts in the past few days about my life and the direction it should be taking. Those who know me also know that I am somewhat of a perfectionist and extremely anal about the phrase “doing my best.” I did some research on the topic of perfection, and directed my search primarily towards God’s definition of perfection. I discovered how I far off the mark I have been for so very long. My efforts towards perfection (according to my definition) stem from my deeply rooted desire to impress those around me, primarily my Heavenly Father, parents, family, and associates, not limited to, but specifically including those I do and those I would like to date. Now, after having said all of this, I realized that my “success” does not determine who I am and should not determine how others view me. It is not the result or out come that I should be judged by, as this is the role of Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father. More accurately, others should view me through my efforts, not the result but instead the process. I am tired because I am running so very fast in directions that are good, but not always necessary. I have decided to slow down—to rest. And as my dear roommate would say, “have some fun Anna! Lighten up. Live a little.” I think that I just might.

Am I weird? Sometimes I just wonder…

Last week I had a run-in with life, and those I live with. I wound up with a little time one my hands alone in the dark to think. For many years I have felt somewhat out of place in life. I use to say that I was always looking for my “niche.” This week I realized that I have a niche. I am who I am; I don’t need to change that to fit into someone’s niche. And that it is not someone’s niche that I am looking to fit in, but instead someone I am looking to fit into mine. It occurred to me that someone is out there just for me. And that they will love me, eternally, for exactly who I am. I won’t need to feel embarrassed about any aspect of myself, but will be accompanied in both the late night philosophical conversations and the even later night hyperactivity. Someday I’ll find my best friend-today is just not that day.

Hum…I think that is all on my mind for now. Actually, with the head cold that I now have, there’s not much room for anything at all in my throbbing head.

Another day…Another thought…Another feeling.

Why Do I Feel Guilty?

I just got a letter from an Elder serving in the Brazil Curitiba Mission. While reading his words my stomach became wound into knots and my heart became sick. Why do I feel so guilty about not being able to make myself like someone, just because they like me? I cannot force love, but he cannot stop it. He said his final good-byes to me and wished me a good life. After years of telling him that I could not like him he has finally gotten the message, but that doesn’t make me happy. I wish him the best of luck in his mission, in life, and in love. But I still do not, will not, and cannot love him. My heart bleeds for the loss we share, but not for him. It is nobody’s fault, but why do I feel so guilty?

Motherly Advice

----- Original Message -----

Subject: doah...I'm so dumb
Okay, after talking for about an hour with Emily, I now thoroughly feel like an idiot and know that I am wrong. I will be the first to admit that I am a complicated, illogical, scaredy-cat, nitwit. I'm sorry if I've caused you grief when I know that you are just trying to help. Now, as for my attempt at forming a solution to my self imposed problem. I think that I need to try and be less of a tight-wad. I am going to practice just going with the flow because I really don't need to decide right now if I am going to kiss, date, or marry anyone; I can make those decisions when they individually arise. I love you so much, and even if I act dumb your advice is always appreciated. Anna


Re: doah...I'm so dumb‏

What did you talk to Emily for an hour about?

And I don't ever think you are dumb! Now I might agree with the complicated part, but even then you really aren't that complicated. You just want to make good choices, right choices. And now is the time in your life when quite a few of those choices make lasting ripples in your life. But above everything else, trust your instincts, pray, and find joy in your life. I think relaxing is a good thing. You can relax without being a slacker, temptrest, or idiot. Take deep breaths, notice the sunset, relish a bite of good food, and find comfort in the relationships around you. Of course do your homework.

I think you miss understand my excitement about your liking someone, or someone liking you. I don’t want you to decide to get married. That will happen all too soon, thank you. But I think that liking someone, or someone liking you, is an important step to understanding your inner self, your likes and dislikes, and helps you "relax" in what comes when dating......aka holding hands, giggling, and yes occassionally a kis s. When you feel comfortable enough with yourself to feel comfortable with exploring a relationship with someone, then you will be in a position to decide about a long term arrangement. You are not ready for that decision yet. What if you decide you like someone and they don’t like you. It hurts a little, but in the long run you will honestly be better off for the hurt. What if someone likes you and you decide after some dates, and even a kis s (not casually given, but given in the atmosphere of a potential serious relationship), that you don't like him. It will hurt a little. but again you are both better off. You thought a relationship had potential, but found that it was wrong. You learn and grow and become more the woman that will fall in love and marry. Were you wrong to have had the relationship and then have it fail? No. It's following the spirit. It's meeting good people, but not the right person. Can you keep your standards? Yes, but that doesn’t mean you might not get close to someone.You won’t always be the girl that you were. It is a natural process that sometimes is fun, sometimes hurts. Why I feel comfortable with Seth and not Dan....let me explain. That even though I am not wanting you to be engaged, I do believe the saying that you marry who you date. So, at least as you do date, and have the potential of meeting "the one", choose your dates from those that have good goals and standards, habits, attitudes, etc. Have friends, date as friends, be open minded. And of course follow the spirit.

I always worried about Jessica's attitude about not kissing anyone until she kissed her husband to be. It made me feel like the rest of us where less of a person than she because we kissed others. I think that is an extreme ideal that isn’t support by doctrine. Not a bad ideal just extreme. If you like someone.....Like them, and see where it goes. Maybe that sounds too simple. I don’t want you to get married, Anna. Ok, I do, but not next month. But I want you to be happy. I enjoyed dating. Having a boyfriend is a little like getting married. You know you are starting to like someone when you hope they ask you out and you don't really want to be bothered with someone else asking you. The relationship can be a source of comfort as much as it can be a complication. It is nice to be thought about and cared for. It is nice to think about someone and care for them. Sometimes, I got dumped and hurt. Or I had have one date and never saw the guy again. I had too many learning experiences and not sure that I made good choices all the time. But I was ultimately lead to your father. And I believe that we were supposed to be married. I have had some confirming experiences about that not just when we were engaged, but years later, even when I have questioned my decision.

You are kind of in an interesting position in your life. Part of you would love to get married, set up your own house and start a family. You are more than capable of this. You can cook pretty good, better than I did at your age. You are great with kids. You are responsible and compitent. You can be very mature with your outlook on life. Your are incredible. But you are still pretty young. You have so much life ahead of you. SO, you need to be patient with yourself and gentle on yourself. Aim for a career, but plan for a family. Does this sound incongruent? Well, no. Anything you do will make you a better wife and mother. And we don’t always know what doors the Lord has in store of opening for us. You are such a good person. Find a private place and have a good cry, sometimes it helps. Listen to some good music (I don’t just mean tab, choir... maybe blue oct....) Of course get plenty of sleep. Watch your health, it effects your outlook. And know that I always love you. Hope this hasn't been too preachy, and I hope I haven't been too confusing. I love you. See you tomorrow maybe. Call anytime. Quite often I sleep with the phone on the nightstand in case you call and need something. I always hope to be there for you.
Love,
Mom

bet you didn’t think to get such an epic in return.....