Look, Mommy! Look! A Real Job!

Phew. It's been a long, hard road these past few months in the employment arena. I've had so many rough days solely because of my sitting duck lifestyle. I'm a busy body, and when my body ain't busy I ain't happy. But I FINALLY feel as though my life is heading in a productive, paid direction again.

I worked three separate interpreting assignments AND worked in my freelance position writing web content for a business. Yippy. I've really expanded my range of interpreting assignments and have really broadened my capabilities. I'm not making tons of money. But "some" is good.

Now, if I can just get up the energy to work on my novel tonight, I'd be doing real good.

...Remind me, now, why doesn't this money stuff grow on trees?...

Work. Work. Work.

It's Nothing Personal

I don't know if you've noticed, but I don't put a whole lot of personal information about my life on here. I tend to gravitate to long divulging rants of my deep, inner thoughts--which, naturally, isn't personal. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the time no one read this blog, back to the time when I posted all of my secrets here--on the world wide web--because it was private. I would talk about roommates, boys, and coworkers without the slightest risk of their finding this site. But now things are different. Yet, something inside of me still wants to gossip with you--tell you everything. I want to giggle about boys (or rather, boy), vent without guilt, and dream without limits.

*Biting bottom lip* .....think I should just spill?

Well, if you're making me. :)

Okay, so, here's the update on my life:

I've been dating boy for about three or four months (we don't really know...).  Boy has liked and chased me for quite awhile longer than I cared to notice. I played the games, worried about what boys thought, and racked up the free dinners for years; but when boy came into my life, my focus was wholly elsewhere. I had decided to serve a mission for the LDS church, and I had already begun packing my bags for an adventurous summer in New York (possibly leaving to never again return). I was still quite okay with the pleasant company and free dinner boy offered (he was a million times better than some of the other crazies I'd been dealing with.), but ironically, my journal entry the day of our first date simply says, "Today I've truly decided to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. My heart is burning, and I am ready to go. I know it is the right thing for me." ....Yeah, DAY OF our first date. Kinda funny.

Anyway, I went to New York (and loved it SO much! ...hoping to go back some day), and, as you saw before, boy came out to visit me. (That was only after two months of talking every day, including an 9 hour conversation on Skype.)

Wow. It sounds like I'm announcing my own engagement or something. I'm kind of freaking myself out. So, let me add here, that is NOT the end of this story... *phew* maybe I shouldn't talk about boy on here. I may get myself into trouble.

Before I drag more sappy details out, let me say, I was still in missionary (or potentially taking a job with Nat Geo TV in New York) mode, and didn't really feel anything for boy. He was sweet and all, but it's hard to make feels come that simply don't exist on their own.

So, boy tried harder and harder. And I came back to Utah. My papers are still unfinished. And I turned down two job offers for Nat Geo TV.

Now, I'm working as an American Sign Language interpreter, taking piano and voice lessons, fixing my little sisters' hair, and running carpool for my mother--all while living in the basement of my parents' house. Not really where you dream of being when you're 22, huh? But it works. Well, it more than works. I'm really quite happy with it all--most of the time.

(Oh! I'm also helping my mom with her business, starting a business of my own, and writing a novel. And I get to come home to hot meals from my mom every night!)

Yet, my never-ending itch to go and do still sits at the base of my neck, and I don't know if I will be here much longer. I haven't the slightest clue what my future holds at this point (that was entirely unacceptable a month ago), but I'm learning to embrace the adventure.

I look at women in their 30s and then 40s and think, "One day I'll be you." Then I shutter and try to think of something else. Growing up is really scary. Children think you know a whole lot and that everything works out by the time you're as "old" as I am (goodness, my little sister told me I should be married by now, and asked me what was wrong with me!!!). But sometimes I'm not old, sometimes I'm still young. And sometimes I'm content not making grownup decisions.

So, bring on the adventure! And let me live every day to the fullest! That way, by the time I reach my 30s and 40s, I can feel satisfied and pleased with my life.

Maybe I really shouldn't write ultra-personal posts. I'll only get myself into trouble. My only point was to inform you that I'm happily dating and happily working. Life is {mostly} good.

Saving the World

I work at a school for children below the poverty line. Some of the families are just under the weather, some come from broken homes with broken hearts, some are creating bridges from unhappy homes to happy ones through foster care and adoption, and some have court orders to attend or they'll lose their children.

The foster father of a very cute and quite student at this school explained that one of the hardest things they faced when taking in this little boy and his two siblings, was teaching them that food did not come out of the garbage can. This 3-year-old boy was so afraid of being hungry, the father would find him shoving handfuls of flower and sugar in his mouth, and gnawing on cans of food.

Another young boy in the class is so scared of being left alone, he follows the teacher, holding the back of her shirt, around the room.

Some days, mothers come in crying.

I've seen bruises.

Some parents eat dried out school chicken nuggets by their children with a deeper look of hunger than even their 4-year-old shows.

I see their aching want as parents to give the world to their children, but not being able to give them food.

It hurts my heart. I want to make everything better.

In my dream, I changed my house into a very large and loving foster home.

I saved all of the kids from harm, and hugged them till the overflowing warmth of my soul covered them in a life-long protective blanket.

We ate, laughed, and lived without worry. I just wanted everyone to be happy.

Why can't I save the world?

More Money?

National Geographic asked me to return and accept their job offer by mid-August.

I have no money, and I only just got home.

I didn't feel it was right for me at this time, and that my wage wouldn't work out to be very much after a plane ticket back out there and monthly rent in New York. The offer was very flattering, but I wanted more time with my family and boy before I picked up and headed back to the city.

So, I told National Geographic.

They understood completely.

And that's why they offered me another job that paid more money (lots more) and came with benefits and stability.

They said they really want me.

Dang.

Now what?

I Think They Liked Me

National Geographic just offered me a job.

Last Day

Nearly cried.

Said, "Goodbye."

Nearly cried.

Walked away.

No, walked forward.

Forced a smile.

Got a hair cut.

"If you can make it in New York, you can make it anywhere."

Big wide world, here I come!

Crying.

Witches

Trauma! So, apparently when you put your camera's memory card straight into your Mac laptop, it does all of these weird conforming things that basically keeps it from ever being able to take another picture again. Like I said, trauma! Well, maybe yours doesn't do that, but mine did.

Three Best Buy employees tried to help me figure it out, but they concluded together, "Just buy a new one."

So, $15 and a week later, I'm back.

YOU may not need a camera to post on your blog, but I needed one to be able to catch you up on all of this!

I filmed with Nat Geo at this store of witchcraft in the Bronx.

They had a potion for everything.

Today's top sellers were "Fast Money" and "Strong Love."

The owner (who doesn't believe in "magical" powers) took us into the basement.

...dun, dun, DUN!

This is where the magic happens!

They make most of the stuff in-house.

Water, coloring, perfume, and a label.

Voila!

Magical potion!

The owner, Jason, was the grandson of the original owner. His grandfather started the store after emigrating from Turkey. Jason said that although he doesn't believe in products, he believes in the self-fulling power of confidence that comes from bathing in a "Strong Love" bath.

I need to get myself some of that--or maybe as an unpaid intern in New York I should focus on "Fast Money."

Moving up from the potion factory in the basement and the store on the main floor, there was a temple on the top floor. According to the witch that owned and worked the temple, "this is where all religions come together and are married."

Basically, there was a bit of everything up there--including her black cat, caldron, and broomstick!

Thank goodness for Nat Geo access, or I never would have met a witch!

Too Late to Become a Doctor?

I’m at work right now.

I’ve never blogged at work before, but that’s because I used to care.

Have you ever felt like you were made for so much more than your daily routine?

I don’t know what I’m made for, but I’m to the point where frustration is welling up inside my head, holding back a few tears causes my eyes to gloss over, and my teeth hurt from the constant grind.

I’m done.

Award Winning

This week I had the wonderful opportunity of meeting with two highly achieved women in my industry.

We sat. We ate. And we talked.

Allison Argo is the founder of Argo Films--a six-time Emmy award-winning film company. As a documentarian, she has produced, written, edited, and narrated over a dozen highly-recognized films. She works hand-in-hand with PBS and National Geographic in creating her documentaries.

Kimber Holt Crandall finished her college education in broadcasting in less than two years. By the age of 19 she worked as an anchor in Idaho--this was after working for stations in New York, Washington D.C., and Park City. She is a two-time Emmy award winner for her work as a reporter, and she currently works for News 12, a cable news network in New York. By the way, she's not yet 25-years-old.

Both spoke of their histories, their careers, and their advice. And they showed me their work.

It's been a very interesting week for me as I have looked to what my future holds and the goals I hope to achieve.

Yet, in spite of my internal freaking out right now that I don't know what's going on with my life, I did figure out one thing: in spite of the accolades, I do not envy these women.

Allison has no family and Kimber has no life.

Several of my peers visited Kimber with me. The other girls left Kimber's apartment with a feeling of renewed hope and strength for their futures. They discussed how if Kimber can be home for only six hours a day and see her husband for only one, then they can do it too. They continued with a comparison of how little they saw their fathers while growing up, and how it didn't really make that much of a differences, and it can obviously be done.

I can't do that.

I want a future of happiness.

Am I in the wrong career?...

That Thang You Do

Thank goodness today was Friday! For some reason this week has gone by so incredibly slowly, and today at work I was just dying! The sun was shining outside, and I was stuck in the office falling asleep at my computer. Finally I convinced my coworker to give me "permission" to leave early (mind you, I said my coworker, not my boss). He did. So, I did.

Here's the scoop for the day:

1. Most of my time at work today went to logging (transcribing/describing) footage for an episode of Border Wars on this group of illegal immigrants that tried to cross from Mexico to America but got caught in this river and drowned. It was horrible! You know those parts of television shows that are blurred out or even cut out completely because they're not appropriate for the general pubic? Well, someone's got to do the cutting...
Such horrible scenes probably contributed to my wanting to leave work early.
But I also got to transcribe the discussions in an anger management meeting with some of the inmates inside the Denver County Jail. ...very interesting.

2. I went salsa dancing! Let's just say, some young men like dancing very close...and some old men do too! Also interesting.

3. Went to a Gray's Papaya (famous for their hotdogs) and got a hotdog!

4. Went to Shake Shack (famous for their shakes) and got a custard sunday!



After a very long day, here was one of my favorite parts:

I had a very difficult time deciding what to get at the Shake Shack. I'm a very habitual person by nature, you see, and I always get oreos and chocolate sauce. But they didn't have oreos. So, I decided to ask the kind-looking man at the cash register. We'll call him Shawn. He leaned over the register and had a very in-depth discussion helping me decide what I wanted. In the end, Shawn smiled and said that we was going to make my sunday himself.
In spite of the crazy lines in this famous shack, he did in fact run over and make it himself! He gave me a larger size than I had ordered, added a few extra topping, and handed it over with another very gracious smile.

Today is Not Yesterday

Ok, so yesterday I was having some emotional issues. I felt my stomach churn with some deep and unwanted but familiar hurt, and not only could I not describe my feelings, I couldn't understand them either.

Travis texted me yesterday. Quickly the "innocent" question "What are you up to?" turned into an unpleasant he said she said. I promised myself he would never hurt, anger, or influence me ever again; my emotions didn't listen.

I spoke with my mother on the phone which is the typical answer to all my problems, but for some reason this conversation simply compounded the stomach churn.

By the end of the evening I had decided to let go of all of my current questions and concerns about life, which I realized somehow all linked in one way or another to one very large factor--marriage. I decided to just focus on a career and never get married, for sadly I know the joys associated with love, but I also know the pain, and because my experience proves the pain to be greater, and no body has successfully convinced my heart of that in word or deed, my emotions gave up.

Sure, the logic of this is incredibly fallible, and the decision won't last, but last night it seemed safe.

I'm not looking for magic--I gave up my Disney princess role a very long time ago. I don't need fireworks. I just want to be so incredibly in love--the kind of love where you want to spend eternity together so badly, any other possibility makes you sick. The kind of love where you realize your whole life you've been stressed and holding your breath, because when that person comes home you breath easy again. I need a love that makes you happier than you ever knew possible.

Ok, I got those thoughts successfully on the page--mostly for me as the words I couldn't express to my mom. But mostly, I just want to say, it's my life, and right now I'm living it big. So don't nobody make me feel small and worthless.

All better now. Off to the National Geographic Television editing room and then the Discovery Museum to see King Tut!

National Geographic Television

Coworkers.

The view from our office.

I've finished nearly two weeks on the job at Nat Geo. I'm doing a bunch of grunt work (to be expected for a new intern), but I think it's great!

I'm working on two series:

Border Wars: A series about Customs and Border Protection's dealings with illegal immigrants and narcotics along the U.S. border.

Lockdown: A series that takes you inside the walls of prisons and inside the minds of prisoners across the nation.

This past week I've spent most of my time transcribing interviews for the next episode of this series. The inmates are really rough on the outside: tattoos, battle scars, and bulging muscles. However, after typing up their life stories for hours and hours, I can't help but sympathize with them.

After nearly 45 hours of transcribing, I've concluded that there are 2 things that drive people to crime:

1. Pride/Image.

2. Lack of family stability/love.

It's really sad, but everyone has their agency I suppose.

Other things: we get free bagels and fruit at work every day!

Lunch hour:

So, for lunch one day we went to this Thai restaurant. The menu didn't have any prices, so you basically had to point at a few random things and hope for the best. Let's just say I wasn't very lucky. I got this weird green rice thing. I didn't eat any of it.

The only thing that really made the outing worth it was the restaurant bath room. This is a picture of the outside of the bathroom (with mine and my coworker Anna's reflections). The bathroom is made of one-way mirrors! From inside the bathroom you can see everyone eating around you! ...super trippy.

Film Shoot

I got to go with the National Geographic Television crew and help out with their film shoot on a documentary about 9/11.

The nice police officers that hung out with me for the morning took me back to a restricted area so that I could take these pictures:

Where the Twin Towers used to be.

Ground zero.

Behind me and to the right is the Freedom Tower. It's being built to commemorate the Twin Towers.

Our next stop for the film shoot was the fire station that was the first to arrive on scene when the towers collapsed.

Cheesy, I know. The firefighters were trying to get me to pole dance...this was the best I could come up with.

Wearing the Captain's hat.

The department actually got called to fight a fire while we were there.

Next stop, everywhere else!

Carrying all of the bags (oh, the many times I have carried camera bags...) around the city.

The blind guy with the dog is a major character in the documentary we were filming. He was on the 71st floor of one of the towers when it went down. His dog guided him out amid the chaos.

I love the cool gadget our photog used in this shot. He attached the camera to a monopod, and then plugged these goggles into the camera. He can see the shot through the goggles! So cool!

We filmed close to where a lot of Law and Order film crews work.

Law and Order--pure awesomeness!

The producer asked me to be in the documentary! Here I am being "comforted" while looking over the Hudson. That guy is a "real actor." haha!

I also had a close up scene in another part.

Mostly, I just run though a lot of shots in a "scared and hurried fashion."

Watch National Geographic Channel on Sept. 11 of this year and you might see me!

er, at least you'll see my feet a lot!

I had to catch a taxi home from the shoot. My first taxi all by myself!

Do I want to be a Journalist?

These are the words I submitted to my department when applying for the broadcasting program (with a few changes and additions since). Do I still want to be a journalist? Do I still believe these words?

Broadcast journalism is not about being on television, ending a report with your own name, or standing next to important people. Journalism is much more than this. Journalists are story tellers committed to the truth—the whole truth, while telling the story of life.

News is real—the story told through the eyes of the journalist. While journalists are meant to tell the stories of life, their interpretation and emphasis may differ. Journalist hold the very important role of information gatekeeper, deciding what successfully passes through the gate or not. Therefore, the eyes of the gatekeeper, and how they see the world, are vitally important for every one of their viewers.

When I look at the world, I see life a little deeper than name brands and magazine covers. I want to see beyond the latest fad, perhaps to the store employee that struggles to sell that fad to support a family.

Throughout my experiences in journalism, I have been privy to a world unseen by the everyday citizen. While working at Classical 89 Radio and KBYU Television, I have been privileged to research about and talk with many people. Knowing I have the opportunity to better the world by reporting about the importance of knowledge, culture, accomplishment and family, gives me a sense of purpose. This opportunity to improve the world around me comes through the title of “journalist.”

While working on my education in broadcasting, I was able to experience circumstances that exist for journalists on a daily basis. Although journalists must consolidate all aspects of a story into a mere few minutes for broadcast, sometimes, the most personally powerful moments do not make it to air. As a journalist, I have been fortunate to hear the parts of a story edited out of the final project, the parts that will never reach the eyes of the audience, but will always remain with me.

Reporting is not about being on TV. It is about being in the moment behind the camera, putting the people on the screen. It is helping the audience to really see. Journalism is not about buying the fancy makeup or ensuring that every day is a good hair day for the anchor. I know what it is like to have technical problems, to stand around at a meeting for hours without managing to capture even ten seconds of usable footage, to hit dead ends, to do the grunt work just to allow someone else to slap their name on your project, to work with irritable people and under pressure. But I also know that the story is worth the fight. I know what it is like when everything comes together, and you know you are making a difference. I am the eyes my audience looks through to see the world. This is what journalism is to me; this is why I want to be a journalist.

Walk like a 'terp...Talk like a 'terp

You know how everyone asks if you feel any different on your birthday, any older? And of course you answer "no."
Well, today I feel different. ...no, you didn't forget my birthday. I passed the Utah State Novice test for American Sign Language interpreting!!!!! I'm pretty sure something changed inside of me today. I now walk like an interpreter.

Dear Anna:

Congratulations! You have been awarded the Novice Level Certificate! I commend you on your accomplishment. Your certificate, certification card, and other information will be sent separately.

Sincerely,

Mitch

Mitch Jensen, Director

Utah Interpreter Program

He Was "Let Go"

Lonny would bring the newspapers to the newsroom every morning. At 7:30a.m. the door down the hall would open, and two seconds later his large ring of custodial keys would clip to his belt with a loud ‘click.’

“Good morning, Lonny.”

“Good morning. How are they treating you down here?”

“Oh, just great. How about you?”

“Fine.”

He carefully stacked each paper in a neat over-lapping line; just enough to see the title of each paper as they fanned across the desktop.

“Thanks for the papers, Lonny.”

“You’re welcome.”

Morning after morning, Lonny’s keys clicked like clockwork. However, the routine that began long before I started my employment at Brigham Young University ended two weeks ago.
Lonny was born mentally ill, yet in spite of physical and mental setbacks, he dutifully worked for Brigham Young Custodial in the Harris Fine Arts Center with more diligence and patience then I’ve yet to see demonstrated by a mere quarter of my spoiled generation.

Now the papers come irregularly. They are never placed across the desktop with dedication and precision. Lonny was “let go” because of “economic necessity.”

So, for those of you who refuse to lift a solitary polished fingernail; for those who allow your parents to pay; who think that it's more important to buy your organic milk than to donate money to the homeless; I hope that you can grow up, and remove the blinders that such selfishness creates. You carry a lot of responsibility for our current economic status, so how dare you say it's not your problem that people are going hungry! Why don't you tell Lonny that it's not your problem?!

The selfish demand for instant gratification got us into this economic mess. If you have no other reason, think of Lonny—a little Christ-like selflessness might get us out of the rut, and halt this rolling storm that leaves nothing but destruction in its path.

The Answers that Nobody Sticks Around For:

"What's Up?" --a question so flippantly asked. Well, here's the answer that nobody sticks around long enough to hear:

Finals are done--thankfully. For a bit there, I wasn't sure if I was going to make it through. But I did. And here I am. Actually, there is a small chance (once again) that I can get my first 4.0 here at BYU. A few of my classes are a real tossup (like always) as to whether they'll be "A"s or "A-"s. Keep your fingers crossed.
Some of my professors have really ticked me off this finals time though. I don't understand how they can spend an entire semester teaching (or not teaching) one thing, and then harshly grade a final that had to do with entirely different things!!
It's funny, at the beginning of this semester I looked over everything that I would have to do until I reached the point that I am at now; and I may have shed a tear or two at all that was expected of me during 'Fall semester 2008.' I told myself "if I can survive this, it'll be a real accomplishment." I don't like giving myself a pat on the back; but I must say "I'm a survivor." It's funny I guess, because in pure hindsight bias the semester wasn't as bad as I had anticipated. But then again, call me Dante because it was a real trip through Hell. I'm not sure why that's funny. I guess the semester was just so good and so bad at the same time that I'm not sure how to feel about it. Either way, it's in my past. And soon I will not only put this semester to bed, but the entire year of 2008.

I had a real burst of future hopes yesterday. I watched several dance movies and they always get me going. I have really big plans for next summer! I want to take hip-hop lessons and maybe ballroom, guitar lessons, write and read a ton, get my ASL interpreting certification, get a random job, maybe take classes, and stay at home with my family! It's gonna be a great summer.
But before I even get to next summer, I'm really looking forward to next semester too. I'm not really sure if I'm going to be able to handle everything I'm signed up for though. I actually had a dream about it last night. The whole night I struggled with decisions of what to participate in and what not to. A lot of my anxiety stems from my new job as Technical Director of the Daily News on Fridays. I just don't think that it fits in my schedule. And even more than that, when I pray about it I keep feeling like I need to decline the position. The answer seems so obvious on paper, but I just worry that withdrawing will give me a bad reputation in the news room, and I don't want to lose a skill that I think is fun either. But seriously, I'm signed up for 17 credits and two part-time jobs! Yeah, I know, I'm crazy. I'm so excited for all of my classes, and the first thing that I would drop would be directing. It's sad, but I think I'm just going to have to get the guts up to say something. As far as the classes that I hope to keep: Living Prophets, Intro to Guitar, Intro to Latin Ballroom Dance, Intro to Standard Ballroom Dance, Media History & Philosophy, Television News Production, British Literary History 1, and Creative Writing. I can't wait!

In looking to the future, I can't help but often wonder where my life will be in five years. I see a lot of my friends going off and getting married, starting their families. I'm also making a lot of new friends who got married before I even met them. Being at BYU, and reaching the ripe "old" age of twenty, the favorite topic of conversation among most people I know is :
"Who are you dating?"
"How's your dating life?"
"We're trying to get pregnant."
"You guys are going to get married, I know it."
"I'm sorry your social life sucks."
"I'm engaged!"
"I'm pregnant!"
"Have you guys kissed yet?"
"Being single is good...I guess."
I tried picturing myself with kids. I can see it--ten years from now! Last night, as I lay in bed, I realized that I had never even pictured myself in a wedding dress. I imagined a reception setting a few times, and it was kinda hard to put myself in the bride's shoes. Even harder was to find someone to stand in for the groom. I kind of have a 'crush,' or as I like to say "I'm minutely interested" in a guy in my ward right now. I really don't think that he is interested in the slightest, and my own interest is waning, but my mom says not to slam the door of my heart on him yet. She thinks that I should give him next semester; I'm giving him the first month--tops. Honestly, I don't want him (or anyone else for that matter) to "fall madly in love with me" and want to marry me next semester. I just want a really good friend for now. Maybe even merge into boyfriend. But for now, I'm so incredibly single (as usual) that it's not even funny. It's a good think I like being single some of the time, or else I might go crazy over it (like some people I know...).
Right now, I'm not even near the person that I'd like to be when I get married and start a family. Let's just say, I have a lot of goals for next year; a lot of areas for improvement.

Karma and I have had a really good experience visiting teaching this semester. One of our teachees has really opened up to us and really seems to depend on us a lot for emotional support. I really hope that we can be everything that she needs.

Oh! I found some new songs that I really like: Fred Jones, Part 2--Ben Folds, Fix You--Coldplay, and X & Y--Coldplay. Some of Avril Lavigne's songs have really hit the mark these past few weeks.
And, of course, my "Most Often Played" Playlist still holds most of my overplayed favorites.

Hmm...I think that's pretty much it for now. Thanks for asking.

How are you?

The Light on the Other Side

As I take every tentative step, I know that I am moving forward. I still feel as though I am traveling across a rickety old bridge in hopes of the change on the other side; but every step requires faith, a continuous resolve to do better, and the ability to forgive myself for my mistakes, and I am trying. Change looms in the air of my life. And while the grass on the other side is “just as hard to mow,” I feel as though greener pastures await me. My experiences are all new right now, and yet feel “overdone” as well. The challenges I face everyday successfully manage to thwart my ever growing efforts to succeed. I try to run, but stumble. I try to get back up just to fall again.
Work use to be my safeguard, but discouragement, disappointment, and disillusion curb my passion and kill my hope. I no longer feel a part of a nurturing safe haven, and sadly I believe the people I work with bring this unwanted spirit. N.I. is not a happy person. She is bitter, hurt, and lost. But for as much as I desire to support her, she is bringing me down.
School has also lost its savor for me. I am burned out and tired. However, after having said that, I have a wonderful set of classes this term; and thankfully so. I just wish that I were better. But again, I believe that I have merely hit a plateau, stepped up to the beginning of the bridge. Now if I can just get across, things will look up. I am both nervous and excited about my future. I have an intense and deeply rooted fear of failure, and I am struggling to suppress my seemingly life threatening anxieties. I am learning the art of peace with one’s own flaws.
And, as I am going through the typical list, I’m not sure where I stand with the male race at this time. My ache for “him” will never be satisfied until he is with me for eternity, but in the meantime uncertainty smothers those desires—at least to some degree. This past week I planned my academic schedule for the next two years. Quite ostentatious, I know. However, the satisfaction I felt was buffered with the conclusion that marriage was not to be a part of that schedule and that I was more than okay with that decision; tonight my feelings pushed me back to square one. I am not madly in love with anyone, nor are there any even remote prospects at this time; yet I enjoyed myself while on a date, and longed once again for that protective arm to consume me in my pains and trials. I honestly believed that I could suppress that desire for the time being, but I was most definitely wrong. Now what?
On a happier note, I have begun yet another book. I have never before read Jane Eyre, nor am I even remotely familiar with its story, but I am in love with it thus far (page 20…).
Wish me luck on both my Physical Science test and my Cha-cha test, for I am nervous about both.
Life is so complex it is great; life is so great, it’s complex.

Uh...marriage???

Okay, I don’t even know where to start. First of all, my life is great. I have a very nice life with a wonderful family, job, education, and decent social life. Sometimes I can feel like I’m on top of the world…and others…
Today I toured KUER. I had a fabulous experience and became really excited about my future, primarily my future career. It has become very clear to me during the past week that journalism will definitely be a part of my future life. However, my emotions take a definite turn when I talk about the aspects of my future. I have really struggled with my homework this evening and decided to take a break after three hours and check out a few friends on facebook. To my surprise, someone that I had been highly interested in last semester has a girlfriend. Honestly, I was more surprised with my reaction than with this fact alone. My heart leaped and my stomach churned. Why is that? I was sure that I was completely over him. And worse than that, he was never really in to me and probably hasn’t thought twice about me since he walked away. But something in me was frustrated, even angry, and rather hurt. Again, why is that? I have not only dated other people since my idiotic infatuation with this individual, I have also been interested in someone else and have also had a relationship of my own. To be entirely truthful with myself, I think that the reason I was hurt and the reason I am not satisfied with my current relationship(s), regardless of their level, is because I really am searching for my match. And last night, I realized how much I really want to find him. That may sound incredibly sappy/cheesy, however, I really don’t care what others think at this point, because I know that marriage will make me happy. I want to fall in love. Divorce, fighting, and future trials scare me to some degree, but I think that my love for my future husband and his love for me will run so deep that these things will not be an issue for us. I love him. I pray for him. And I will find him soon.
Roommates are an interesting association. I have had a variety of roommates over my span of time away from home. My very first roommate was weird; this term is not mean in a critical, derogitory, or rude fassion, she simply was just that—weird. My second roommate was entirely infatuated with a boy and while she was nice, I had little association with her. However, “little” is more than I can say I had with my next roommate, whom I saw a total of five times throughout the summer term even though we shared a room together. And then, my roommates Becky, Karma, and Emily came along. I grew to love each one of them very much. I can’t say that they weren’t hard to live with, or that we were problem free, but I did love them. Our relationships are that of superb friends. Yet even this does not satisfy my crave for companionship. My current roommates are again nice and even so much as pleasant, however my assocation with them is limited, as is the extent of our relationship. To be quite frank, I am done with roommates, even the ones that I say I love. As I disclaimer, I want to clarify that just because I don’t want to be roommates with them anymore doesn’t mean that I don’t love them, and if I had to be roommates with anyone it would be them. However, I want an eternal bedmate, that’s all. I use to think that marriage was the end of my social life, or that I had more life to live before I got married, but I realized that my life will truly begin when I can stop searching for him and start living with him. I want someone to be there and listen to all of my daily shpeals with patience and love. I want to care and love someone.
Okay, I’ve offically scared myself with this little speech. I sound like the girls I roll my eyes at…who come to BYU simply for marriage. I guess I just worry whether or not I will ever fall in love, that's all...

"So ya had a bad day"

I really don't like people who are rich, snobby, know-it-alls, jerky, holier-than-thou, rude, arrogant, stupid, lucky, prideful, babied, good at everything, dressed in the latest fad, top-of-the-class, beauty queens, lazy, messy, don't have a sense of style or music, uneducated (by personal choice), stereotypical, simply bad, oblivious, play video games excessively (according to my measurement), drive unlawfully, don't see, don't care, don't feel, just don't know.

Today has been one of those days. After arriving to school before the rest of the student body woke up, I studied for my day's classes and a major test that I had to take this afternoon. At 8:00 I rushed off to my first class just to find out that a 2 hour lab session was canceled...again (yeah, and has been 3 out of the 4 weeks we've been in school...talk about slightly ticked) (oh, and side note, my TA borrowed my book/CD for the class 2 weeks ago, then lent them to someone else. "Oh, I forgot."...again, are we slightly ticked???). So, I could have gotten more sleep. Instead I utilized my time and studied for my test some more. Actually, I taught all of the material to another student that had only attended lecture twice. I suppose I didn't mind sharing the fruits of my hours of hard work making flashcards. After all, because I was teaching him, it was a good review for me.

I did get a nice break from my day during my wonderful religion class. Thank goodness...Too bad it only lasted 50 min.

Then, naturally, I studied for another hour. And after I couldn't study any longer, I took the test. After my hours of work, no wonder I felt really good about the test while taking it. Yea for studying so much--I GOT 65%!!! I was appalled. Oh, but that isn't the worst of it. Someone who isn't familiar with the subject and didn't study at all mind you, got a better score than I did.

After which, I went to work so that I could support my way through school and life. Again, unlike many around me who's parents pay for their fancy new cars. No, I don't have a car; I paid for the $70 bus pass on my own and stand in the cold waiting for it every morning after walking there to get to school early BECAUSE IT BUILDS CHARACTER! I'm not bitter though.

Sorry, side tracked again. After work I went to my last class and took a quiz. I stayed after class to prepare for my presentation I'm giving on Thursday. My group finished just in time for me to miss the last bus, so I did not drive a brand-new car but walked the 25 min. walk home in the dark carrying all of my books. When I got home I tried calling someone just to let out frustrations, and to my surprise a deep scratch is now running right down the front of my phone. It's a good thing that one of my roommates had dinner waiting on the table: spaghetti, one of my least favorite foods.

Well, I got a calling tonight. Not only did Heavenly Father point out the North Star to me (I was praying while I walked, and when I looked up I was walking directly North and saw the star), but he gave me a hug (completely out of the norm, the 2nd counselor in the Bishopric gave me a hug when I showed up for my interview).

My cold is now coming back, so I guess I'd better turn in.

Night!