Today is Not Yesterday

Ok, so yesterday I was having some emotional issues. I felt my stomach churn with some deep and unwanted but familiar hurt, and not only could I not describe my feelings, I couldn't understand them either.

Travis texted me yesterday. Quickly the "innocent" question "What are you up to?" turned into an unpleasant he said she said. I promised myself he would never hurt, anger, or influence me ever again; my emotions didn't listen.

I spoke with my mother on the phone which is the typical answer to all my problems, but for some reason this conversation simply compounded the stomach churn.

By the end of the evening I had decided to let go of all of my current questions and concerns about life, which I realized somehow all linked in one way or another to one very large factor--marriage. I decided to just focus on a career and never get married, for sadly I know the joys associated with love, but I also know the pain, and because my experience proves the pain to be greater, and no body has successfully convinced my heart of that in word or deed, my emotions gave up.

Sure, the logic of this is incredibly fallible, and the decision won't last, but last night it seemed safe.

I'm not looking for magic--I gave up my Disney princess role a very long time ago. I don't need fireworks. I just want to be so incredibly in love--the kind of love where you want to spend eternity together so badly, any other possibility makes you sick. The kind of love where you realize your whole life you've been stressed and holding your breath, because when that person comes home you breath easy again. I need a love that makes you happier than you ever knew possible.

Ok, I got those thoughts successfully on the page--mostly for me as the words I couldn't express to my mom. But mostly, I just want to say, it's my life, and right now I'm living it big. So don't nobody make me feel small and worthless.

All better now. Off to the National Geographic Television editing room and then the Discovery Museum to see King Tut!

Busy, Busy, Busy!

Yeah, it's been awhile.
My sincerest apologies to my readers, especially my consistent follower—Dad.

Here is a brief summation of all of the things I've thought: "I really need to write this on my blog." But then was quickly inhibited by this thought: "No time! No time! What the?! How long has that been in my planner for today?"

1. Did you know that the basement of the JFSB is designed to convert into a morgue in case of mass destruction?! Each room is equipped with its own thermostat, so that individual rooms can be dropped to freezing temperatures as needed. I guess the-powers-that-be are anticipating a major disaster in the Utah county area. But, hey, at least they're prepared with a morgue! Now, isn't that comforting?...

2. The primary reason I've been so out of touch with the world recently, is because I'm premiering three documentaries within the next month! I'm producing one radio documentary and two television documentaries. My favorite documentary is scheduled to premier two weeks from today! Crazy! If you want to come, just join this Facebook group for all of the info.

3. I "ran into" Travis the other day. Funny story.

4. I got eight fillings at the dentist at once. Not a funny story. And I'm not happy about it either. I ALWAYS brush my teeth. But apparently I inherited my dad's teeth, which apparently means I have a slightly more acidic mouth and slightly less resistant enamel. Again, not happy.

5. I experimented with some new recipes again, and I found a new favorite! Chocolate chip scones are tasty! ...especially when I accidentally put in Baking Soda instead of Baking Powder. I did some research, and I'm still not entirely positive of what the difference is, but I am sure I loved the mistake!

For some reason, I had a whole lot more to update you on; however, can't seem to think of anything else right now. Actually, I can't seem to think of much of anything at all right now.

Time for bed.

Come to the premier! I. AM. SO. EXCITED.

Moving On, Moving Up

Many of you have heard my "Travis story"--some of you in more detail than others; but I think that story has finally come to an end. I did a really hard thing and may have just closed the door between the two of us permanently. I think that's a good thing though--sad, but only in some ways, and still very good for me.

"The End" sometimes means, "Once Upon A Time"...

Married

I was supposed to get married today. It's kind of a weird feeling (albeit, not as weird as I had anticipated)--knowing six months ago I walked through a mansion (my future reception hall) and discussed honeymoon cruises with my husband-to-be. But instead, I'm going on a date tonight. Interesting, the trips life takes us on.
Now, on to current dilemmas: do I join the Provo hip-hop team, or do I sneak into the World Religions class on Thursday nights?

No Time

It's nearly finals and I'm swamped (hello? who has been absent on this blog for the past week); however, I had to squeeze in a few words--maybe it'll help me focus if I can get these non-homework thoughts on this blog so I'm not distracted.
Or not. Let's be real, I just don't want to do my homework! Pretty sure I've already written this, but somehow my professors didn't get the memo:
I HATE HOMEWORK. I HATE TESTS. I HATE PAPERS. I HATE PRESENTATIONS. I HATE PROJECTS.

I was thinking earlier of how burned out I feel (obviously think about being burned out instead of writing the story that I'm still avoiding--yeah, due tomorrow). I've given up on perfect grades this semester more than ever. With the exception of my Travis term, I've had a 4.0 for nearly a year now--fulfilling my goal of merely wanting one perfect semester. Not merely the all "A"s and one "A-" garbage I've had most of my college career. But I'm ready for a real break. I've been in school for five years straight, including summers, with no break. It's time. Anyway, going back to my earlier thoughts (dang, I'm so easily distracted right now--again, that's why I'm writing this post instead of my paper). Just this semester I finally declared the double major that I've been working on for nearly a year, simultaneously with my original broadcasting major. Declaring gave me so much peace and direction in my life. In addition to helping me feel I had somewhere to be next year, declaring also set a chain of events in motion that resulted in my following through with a dream of interning with National Geographic. I really believe that internship will be very important to me, but I don't know if the double major is as important as I originally believed--or if it was merely a means to an end. We'll see. I've also been reconsidering my potential of serving a mission.

Another thought: lately, I've realized that I'm not scared of seeing Travis on campus anymore. Nearly every time I walked in an open area, I wondered if I would bump into him. I've successful made it an entire semester without seeing him. But it occurred to me a few days ago that it wouldn't matter. It wouldn't matter if I walked past him, or if he waved, or if he ignored me and looked the other way. None of it would matter. I was scared of crossing paths--scared of what that would do to me emotionally. Yet, it's not him that I'm scared of--actually, I don't think he could bother me anymore whatsoever (took me far too long to get to that point). But I am scared of something. When I actually pictured him walking by, I had a really hard time putting details to the visual. He has already begun fading from my memory, and he's fading fast now. The edges are all blurry as I try to recall the conversations, laughter, love--it's all gone. I just remember a few words--mostly the inappropriate ones, and his eyes. But they don't haunt me anymore. Seeing him just came to represent something I held bottled up inside of me--my desires. I prefer to suppress them, but I'm okay to be vulnerable again--I think. I've had more power than ever in my ability to understand and control my emotions surrounding boys. I think I'm ready to lose control again--I think. Travis, thank you for the lessons you taught me. I hated you for the things you did to me, but I've forgiven you. You were wrong, but we were young. I never want to think of or mention you again. And I wish other boys would stop wanting to talk about it. I hate talking about dates, dating, or dumb dudes on dates. I'm done.

I have a great life! If only this stupid paper would go away and let me live it!

Oh, one more thing. My room-roommate is moving out at the end of this semester--I just found out. Someone new will move in. Weird.

Oh, and one more, more thing. My tongue is blue right now. I just ate an Extreme Sour Warhead! I haven't had one in YEARS! Thanks for sharing, Angela.

Oh, and one more, more, more thing. We cut snowflakes in my apartment to decorate. I cut my finger. My snowflake is now red. Oops. Thought it was supposed to go the other way.
Isaiah 1:18: "Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool."
hehehe.

Travis

Travis text me yesterday.

It's the first time he's contacted me in months; yet, somehow, it still made me cry--again.

Thank goodness I have a roommate who has the audacity to call him names I don't have the gall to say--names he deserves to be called.

But it wouldn't have helped if I had participated in the name calling, and I knew this.

So I prayed for him instead.

Life

I figured it all out--wasn't that hard, really. I have the next two years of my life planned out. Of course, things never go as planned, but it's a nice thought. Today was good.

Oh, and by the way, I've decided to post here occasionally...again. I've been avoiding the pictures below (Travis and I broke up...and I didn't want to make a choice about whether or not I should delete the posts...I guess ignoring the issue is the same as the "not" choice, but in my head they were different); and instead of writing here, I've written in my "real" journal for the past little while. But I think I can manage and do both. However, no commitments...

Up the Mountain

I hiked the "Y" for the first time this evening! The path was harder to climb than I expected. The exercise was good though, and so was the company.

The Sweet Aroma of His Collar Bone

So, technically I should be asleep right now--either that or working on my unfinished research paper, due tomorrow. But I couldn't suppress the long-time call of my abandoned blog.

I must say, I've been quite pleasantly distracted lately: who could resist the sweet aroma of his collar bone? I love running my nose up his soft cheek and down his strong shoulder in search of the source of such fragrance. I love him, really.

I'm also in love with life in general. Even the difficult classes I always find reasons to complain about, I love them too. My classes are pushing me to grow and learn. The sun is shining. I have two wonderful jobs during a time of economic uncertainty. I have a lovely bed, in a lovely room, a room all to my own. I'm starting a sign language interpreting program in three weeks, and counting. I love life.

Today Travis and I kissed in front of a large group of fifteen year old EFY campers. They squirmed and then applauded. Travis loved it; I searched for the sweet aroma of his collar bone.

What an Honor

Ok, I really don’t have the time or the energy to try and sound eloquent right now. Let me just say, today has been amazing. I received the Outstanding Broadcast Award, which declares me the top broadcast junior in the nation. Pretty dang cool. And I got money. Always dang cool. I also received a scholarship. Yay! Even more money! And I get to produce a thirty minute radio documentary. I just couldn’t believe the whole experience. I also got a set of the BYU P.E. clothing. They’re getting rid of the clothes and I got some! I know, dorky. But I was excited. And I turned in my huge English project—including my much worked on short story. That’s a relief. Maybe one day I’ll have the guts to post that story here. Probably not though.
Today I felt as light as air. And for the fourth time this week I couldn’t help but smile.
Too bad Travis didn't call. All well.