The Light on the Other Side

As I take every tentative step, I know that I am moving forward. I still feel as though I am traveling across a rickety old bridge in hopes of the change on the other side; but every step requires faith, a continuous resolve to do better, and the ability to forgive myself for my mistakes, and I am trying. Change looms in the air of my life. And while the grass on the other side is “just as hard to mow,” I feel as though greener pastures await me. My experiences are all new right now, and yet feel “overdone” as well. The challenges I face everyday successfully manage to thwart my ever growing efforts to succeed. I try to run, but stumble. I try to get back up just to fall again.
Work use to be my safeguard, but discouragement, disappointment, and disillusion curb my passion and kill my hope. I no longer feel a part of a nurturing safe haven, and sadly I believe the people I work with bring this unwanted spirit. N.I. is not a happy person. She is bitter, hurt, and lost. But for as much as I desire to support her, she is bringing me down.
School has also lost its savor for me. I am burned out and tired. However, after having said that, I have a wonderful set of classes this term; and thankfully so. I just wish that I were better. But again, I believe that I have merely hit a plateau, stepped up to the beginning of the bridge. Now if I can just get across, things will look up. I am both nervous and excited about my future. I have an intense and deeply rooted fear of failure, and I am struggling to suppress my seemingly life threatening anxieties. I am learning the art of peace with one’s own flaws.
And, as I am going through the typical list, I’m not sure where I stand with the male race at this time. My ache for “him” will never be satisfied until he is with me for eternity, but in the meantime uncertainty smothers those desires—at least to some degree. This past week I planned my academic schedule for the next two years. Quite ostentatious, I know. However, the satisfaction I felt was buffered with the conclusion that marriage was not to be a part of that schedule and that I was more than okay with that decision; tonight my feelings pushed me back to square one. I am not madly in love with anyone, nor are there any even remote prospects at this time; yet I enjoyed myself while on a date, and longed once again for that protective arm to consume me in my pains and trials. I honestly believed that I could suppress that desire for the time being, but I was most definitely wrong. Now what?
On a happier note, I have begun yet another book. I have never before read Jane Eyre, nor am I even remotely familiar with its story, but I am in love with it thus far (page 20…).
Wish me luck on both my Physical Science test and my Cha-cha test, for I am nervous about both.
Life is so complex it is great; life is so great, it’s complex.