It's nearly finals and I'm swamped (hello? who has been absent on this blog for the past week); however, I had to squeeze in a few words--maybe it'll help me focus if I can get these non-homework thoughts on this blog so I'm not distracted.
Or not. Let's be real, I just don't want to do my homework! Pretty sure I've already written this, but somehow my professors didn't get the memo:
I HATE HOMEWORK. I HATE TESTS. I HATE PAPERS. I HATE PRESENTATIONS. I HATE PROJECTS.
I was thinking earlier of how burned out I feel (obviously think about being burned out instead of writing the story that I'm still avoiding--yeah, due tomorrow). I've given up on perfect grades this semester more than ever. With the exception of my Travis term, I've had a 4.0 for nearly a year now--fulfilling my goal of merely wanting one perfect semester. Not merely the all "A"s and one "A-" garbage I've had most of my college career. But I'm ready for a real break. I've been in school for five years straight, including summers, with no break. It's time. Anyway, going back to my earlier thoughts (dang, I'm so easily distracted right now--again, that's why I'm writing this post instead of my paper). Just this semester I finally declared the double major that I've been working on for nearly a year, simultaneously with my original broadcasting major. Declaring gave me so much peace and direction in my life. In addition to helping me feel I had somewhere to be next year, declaring also set a chain of events in motion that resulted in my following through with a dream of interning with National Geographic. I really believe that internship will be very important to me, but I don't know if the double major is as important as I originally believed--or if it was merely a means to an end. We'll see. I've also been reconsidering my potential of serving a mission.
Another thought: lately, I've realized that I'm not scared of seeing Travis on campus anymore. Nearly every time I walked in an open area, I wondered if I would bump into him. I've successful made it an entire semester without seeing him. But it occurred to me a few days ago that it wouldn't matter. It wouldn't matter if I walked past him, or if he waved, or if he ignored me and looked the other way. None of it would matter. I was scared of crossing paths--scared of what that would do to me emotionally. Yet, it's not him that I'm scared of--actually, I don't think he could bother me anymore whatsoever (took me far too long to get to that point). But I am scared of something. When I actually pictured him walking by, I had a really hard time putting details to the visual. He has already begun fading from my memory, and he's fading fast now. The edges are all blurry as I try to recall the conversations, laughter, love--it's all gone. I just remember a few words--mostly the inappropriate ones, and his eyes. But they don't haunt me anymore. Seeing him just came to represent something I held bottled up inside of me--my desires. I prefer to suppress them, but I'm okay to be vulnerable again--I think. I've had more power than ever in my ability to understand and control my emotions surrounding boys. I think I'm ready to lose control again--I think. Travis, thank you for the lessons you taught me. I hated you for the things you did to me, but I've forgiven you. You were wrong, but we were young. I never want to think of or mention you again. And I wish other boys would stop wanting to talk about it. I hate talking about dates, dating, or dumb dudes on dates. I'm done.
I have a great life! If only this stupid paper would go away and let me live it!
Oh, one more thing. My room-roommate is moving out at the end of this semester--I just found out. Someone new will move in. Weird.
Oh, and one more, more thing. My tongue is blue right now. I just ate an Extreme Sour Warhead! I haven't had one in YEARS! Thanks for sharing, Angela.
Oh, and one more, more, more thing. We cut snowflakes in my apartment to decorate. I cut my finger. My snowflake is now red. Oops. Thought it was supposed to go the other way.
Isaiah 1:18: "Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white
as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool."
hehehe.
