Happy Pioneer Day!

It sure is great to live in Utah and reap the benefits of such a unique holiday.

It's been awhile since I've posted (which seems to be a habit of mine, posting in spurts I mean). I've really become attracted to the handwritten word and emphatically taken up journal writing once again. Don't worry; I'm not neglecting my revitalized love of journal writing for the impersonal internet publication of one's self-declared important thoughts and feeling. I've already written in my private treasure chest of life. I just thought that I could make the time to post every now and then as well.

I've decided that my personal life is not meant for the internet, and it was rather juvenile of me to believe otherwise. Now don't judge me harshly, as I'm sure anyone reading this is also a blogger of their own personal experiences. This is just a personal decision that I'd like to experiment with until further notice.

My intentions when initially creating this blog were to have an outlet for emotional venting and a motivator to improve my writing skills. I really want to become a good writer, and would greatly appreciate if I could shut my mouth a little more often and wait until I could get things down in writing. But I realized that mostly the negative moments of my life are elaborated upon and posted for all to see, but that is not entirely who I am. Everyone has good moments and bad; but I have no right to pollute the already infested internet world with more garbage.

I just wish that I wasn't so tired all of the time. Life looks a whole lot better when you're looking through wide open and alert eyes. Yet here I am, awake and up late once again.

But life is good. And I'm working to make it better.

The Light on the Other Side

As I take every tentative step, I know that I am moving forward. I still feel as though I am traveling across a rickety old bridge in hopes of the change on the other side; but every step requires faith, a continuous resolve to do better, and the ability to forgive myself for my mistakes, and I am trying. Change looms in the air of my life. And while the grass on the other side is “just as hard to mow,” I feel as though greener pastures await me. My experiences are all new right now, and yet feel “overdone” as well. The challenges I face everyday successfully manage to thwart my ever growing efforts to succeed. I try to run, but stumble. I try to get back up just to fall again.
Work use to be my safeguard, but discouragement, disappointment, and disillusion curb my passion and kill my hope. I no longer feel a part of a nurturing safe haven, and sadly I believe the people I work with bring this unwanted spirit. N.I. is not a happy person. She is bitter, hurt, and lost. But for as much as I desire to support her, she is bringing me down.
School has also lost its savor for me. I am burned out and tired. However, after having said that, I have a wonderful set of classes this term; and thankfully so. I just wish that I were better. But again, I believe that I have merely hit a plateau, stepped up to the beginning of the bridge. Now if I can just get across, things will look up. I am both nervous and excited about my future. I have an intense and deeply rooted fear of failure, and I am struggling to suppress my seemingly life threatening anxieties. I am learning the art of peace with one’s own flaws.
And, as I am going through the typical list, I’m not sure where I stand with the male race at this time. My ache for “him” will never be satisfied until he is with me for eternity, but in the meantime uncertainty smothers those desires—at least to some degree. This past week I planned my academic schedule for the next two years. Quite ostentatious, I know. However, the satisfaction I felt was buffered with the conclusion that marriage was not to be a part of that schedule and that I was more than okay with that decision; tonight my feelings pushed me back to square one. I am not madly in love with anyone, nor are there any even remote prospects at this time; yet I enjoyed myself while on a date, and longed once again for that protective arm to consume me in my pains and trials. I honestly believed that I could suppress that desire for the time being, but I was most definitely wrong. Now what?
On a happier note, I have begun yet another book. I have never before read Jane Eyre, nor am I even remotely familiar with its story, but I am in love with it thus far (page 20…).
Wish me luck on both my Physical Science test and my Cha-cha test, for I am nervous about both.
Life is so complex it is great; life is so great, it’s complex.

Baby Steps

My emotions hurt and my body is exhausted, but for some reason I feel okay right now.

I went to an academic advisement counselor yesterday. Mostly she just reassured me that I was in an okay position and on the right track. We went over what classes I have left that I absolutely have to take, and then I just drilled her with my excessive amount of questions. After the meeting I essentially planned my entire academic life for the next year and a half. I feel good about things. I will be taking longer than necessary to graduate, but it is necessary for me that I graduate later if it means that I get me double major. I was really prepared to fight the counselor on what I expected to be a tremendous amount of discouragement concerning my desire to double, but was very much so relieved and empowered by her surprising support.

I feel as though my soul is mending right now. It really wasn’t as broken as it could have been, and I’m still incredibly confused about my own surfeit of emotions, but I stumbled and am now beginning to walk again. Running yesterday was a mistake, and I’ve learned not to jump the gun, but I can start walking into my own future with a degree of confidence.

Running For My Life

I went running. It took courage. I did it.

I Feel Your Pain and Wonder Why it Has to be This Way.

There is so much pain around me—pain that I cannot heal. I hurt, they hurt. And now I hurt from my own problems and from theirs. But I cannot heal them. Why does death take loved ones from us early? Why do illnesses debilitate the faithful, the righteous, and undeserving? But most of all, why can I do nothing?!

This week, more than ever before, the existence and prevalence of pain and problems in everyone’s lives has manifested itself strongly unto me. There are billions of people in the world, and yet we feel alone. People may reach out to us, but in fear we recoil back into our shells, our safe places—lonely, but not vulnerable. I now understand Christ’s willingness to give Himself for the pains of the world. If I could, I would. But even if our sacrifices could heal, I myself am not a worthy enough sacrifice to compensate.

I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel sick. Fat. Ugly. Tired. Empty. Hurting. Angry. Stupid. –Probably all feelings coming from Satan, but he’s doing a really good job at convincing me I’ve had enough.

I’M SO CONFUSED!

Life doesn’t even make sense to me anymore. I use to be so sure about who I was, where I was going, and who I wanted to become in the meantime. Now I just don’t know. Nobody has any answers!

“REMEMBER: THERE’S NEVER A PERFECT MATCH”

Says the bus driver. I’ve always know that life isn’t perfect and I’m not perfect and that’s not going to change. But why can’t I at least have a perfect match?!
If God has all of the answers, then why doesn’t he share them with me?? I know he is there, I’m sure of that. But then why do I still feel so alone?

I FEEL LIKE I’M GOING TO BE SICK!

My head an stomach are swimming so much, I can’t even think straight.

HELP!

The Problem with Pain

There is so much pain around me—pain that I cannot heal. I hurt, they hurt. And now I hurt from my own problems and from theirs. But I cannot heal them. Why does death take loved ones from us early? Why do illnesses debilitate the faithful, the righteous, and undeserving? But most of all, why can I do nothing?!