Hate. Hate. Hate.

I hate flossing SO MUCH.

Sometimes, I convince myself that it's optional.

Today is Not Yesterday

Ok, so yesterday I was having some emotional issues. I felt my stomach churn with some deep and unwanted but familiar hurt, and not only could I not describe my feelings, I couldn't understand them either.

Travis texted me yesterday. Quickly the "innocent" question "What are you up to?" turned into an unpleasant he said she said. I promised myself he would never hurt, anger, or influence me ever again; my emotions didn't listen.

I spoke with my mother on the phone which is the typical answer to all my problems, but for some reason this conversation simply compounded the stomach churn.

By the end of the evening I had decided to let go of all of my current questions and concerns about life, which I realized somehow all linked in one way or another to one very large factor--marriage. I decided to just focus on a career and never get married, for sadly I know the joys associated with love, but I also know the pain, and because my experience proves the pain to be greater, and no body has successfully convinced my heart of that in word or deed, my emotions gave up.

Sure, the logic of this is incredibly fallible, and the decision won't last, but last night it seemed safe.

I'm not looking for magic--I gave up my Disney princess role a very long time ago. I don't need fireworks. I just want to be so incredibly in love--the kind of love where you want to spend eternity together so badly, any other possibility makes you sick. The kind of love where you realize your whole life you've been stressed and holding your breath, because when that person comes home you breath easy again. I need a love that makes you happier than you ever knew possible.

Ok, I got those thoughts successfully on the page--mostly for me as the words I couldn't express to my mom. But mostly, I just want to say, it's my life, and right now I'm living it big. So don't nobody make me feel small and worthless.

All better now. Off to the National Geographic Television editing room and then the Discovery Museum to see King Tut!

Moving On, Moving Up

Many of you have heard my "Travis story"--some of you in more detail than others; but I think that story has finally come to an end. I did a really hard thing and may have just closed the door between the two of us permanently. I think that's a good thing though--sad, but only in some ways, and still very good for me.

"The End" sometimes means, "Once Upon A Time"...

Travis

Travis text me yesterday.

It's the first time he's contacted me in months; yet, somehow, it still made me cry--again.

Thank goodness I have a roommate who has the audacity to call him names I don't have the gall to say--names he deserves to be called.

But it wouldn't have helped if I had participated in the name calling, and I knew this.

So I prayed for him instead.

A Prayer for Peace

Dear God,
"Friday February 13, 2009, just after 9:00a.m., a tragic accident occurred.” I have had a lot of mixed emotions about the deaths of Shilo and Micah Edwards. Everyone experienced such an overwhelming shock to discover that at nineteen and twenty years old they were taken from this life. I’m not sure I will ever fully accept their deaths; but they happened nonetheless, and many people want to know why. I know, what a classic question—why?
I’ve grown up with these girls, and they are the first young people to die that I have known so well. I can remember being nine-years-old and sitting on a church pew with Shilo only a few rows in front of me. She was all dress up in her baptism dress—so pretty in white. I remember that we didn’t like each other very much at that age, but we were young and grew out of the pettiness. When were just a little older, we would sit on the cold tile floor together and played with her dogs’ puppies. Micah was a little older than I was, but I still remember her. Mostly, I just remember them being there—image after image of their faces flash through my mind, them, in my life, there, and then not.
Heavenly Father, you were there when all of these things happened, and you knew all along their time was shorter than the rest of ours. You have the vision of the entire eternal plan, and you know why things happen the way they do. But the rest of us have been left to question: Why? Was this really necessary? Could there have been any other way?
For some reason you have given me a very cushioned life. I am constantly blessed. Sometimes this causes me to believe my larger trials will be just around the corner, but most of the time such comforts lull me into a passive expectation for ease. My testimony has never really been challenged, and although my life is full of stresses and difficulties, they pale in comparison to situations like this. Because of such a past, I felt very lost in my own religion when trying to understand death. I’ve come to the conclusion that most testimonies are just a compilation of words, and not a manifestation of beliefs. Too many members give lip service to thy word. I still know my faith to be of the true and living gospel on this Earth, but I have so many open ended questions.
My brother Josh has now been home from his mission for a year, and he has all of the missionary answers when it comes to things like this. But the classic image of The Plan of Salvation, the recognizable pattern of circles and lines just didn’t do it for me this time. No one could tell me whether Micah and Shilo felt lonely after dying. And I had never thought about trying to give a hug without a body, but now the need for Shilo and Micah to be able to hug each other was so great for my heart, I became angry that bodies were required to hug--is that silly? And the idea that the dead began to serve missions and teach the gospel was fine and dandy when it was my grandfather who died—someone who would have wanted to drop everything and serve a mission—but that didn’t work for them. They had too much life left to live. What are they going to do every day now? And how does time work in the afterlife? And will they get to stay together? And what happens to Drew? Shilo and Drew were going to be engaged Friday night, now what? If this life is so insignificantly short in comparison to the next, why will he have to move on and find someone else when he so badly wants to be sealed for eternity with his true love? They were perfect for each other! And now he just has to “move on.”
I don’t have the answers, but I’m glad that you do. Thank you for letting their sister, Shelby, see them in her dream. Thank you for comforting their family, especially their mother. Thank you for helping Dale to understand that losing his girls is a blessing as much as a trial. He told me Micah struggled greatly. But for the first time in a long time she was at peace with where she was at--in a sense, she was ready to die. And to die with a clean soul now, even though she is young, may have been the only way that they could be together forever as an eternal family. But that doesn’t entirely help me reconcile Shilo and Drew.
God, please don’t take anyone in my family. Please.

Virtuous, Lovely, or of Good Report or Praiseworthy

I'm really struggling right now. I have high hopes, and a deep desire to be good and do well in my life. However, I don't feel the people I continually hang out with are helping me achieve my goals. I love my friends to death. We really enjoy hanging out with each other. But life is not one big continual party, and I'm sick of the "hang-overs." I can't live with people who don't lift me up.

I can remember Young Women's lessons in church about carefully selecting good friends. The necessity to leave bad friends seemed obvious and simple in all of our quant hypothetical situations. "Your friends invite you to watch an R-rated movie with them; what do you do?" "Your friends encourage you to skip school or church; what do you do?" "Your friends choose to sleep-in instead of going to the service project; what do you do?" --"If they're doing these things, then they're not really your friends at all. And you need new friends." Such an easy answer.

President Gordon B. Hinckley taught:
"Be clean. I cannot emphasize that enough. Be clean. It is very, very important and you at your age are in such temptation all the time. It is thrown at you on television. It is thrown at you in books and magazines and videos. You do not have to rent them. Don't do it. Just don't do it. Don't look at them. If somebody proposes that you sit around all night watching some of that sleazy stuff, you say, "It's not for me. Stay away from it." (Denver Colorado, youth meeting, 14 Apr. 1996, Quote by Elder Joe J. Christensen, Ensign Nov. 1996, p. 40)

We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.
(13th Article of Faith)

"Anna, always associate with individuals who have high ideals and high standards and a desire to do what our Heavenly Father expects of them."

Please stop being so incredibly selfish!
If you walk into the kitchen and see that I am doing your dishes, don't sneak back out!
Sometimes you should just do things because they are nice, not because you get something out of it.
Don't leave food and dishes out all over the kitchen and living room.
Take out the garbage sometimes.
Stop asking me to join you in doing things that are against my standards!
Be respectful.
Stop sleeping all over the living room!
Go to church.
Throw the empty TP roll away, and replace it!
Support people--even when you don't get anything out of it.
Did I say, DO YOUR DISHES?!
Do your homework.
The sexual jokes are just too much.
Don't be incredibly rude and then cushion it with "I love you."

Grow up.

And let me grow up too.

I Feel Your Pain and Wonder Why it Has to be This Way.

There is so much pain around me—pain that I cannot heal. I hurt, they hurt. And now I hurt from my own problems and from theirs. But I cannot heal them. Why does death take loved ones from us early? Why do illnesses debilitate the faithful, the righteous, and undeserving? But most of all, why can I do nothing?!

This week, more than ever before, the existence and prevalence of pain and problems in everyone’s lives has manifested itself strongly unto me. There are billions of people in the world, and yet we feel alone. People may reach out to us, but in fear we recoil back into our shells, our safe places—lonely, but not vulnerable. I now understand Christ’s willingness to give Himself for the pains of the world. If I could, I would. But even if our sacrifices could heal, I myself am not a worthy enough sacrifice to compensate.

I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel sick. Fat. Ugly. Tired. Empty. Hurting. Angry. Stupid. –Probably all feelings coming from Satan, but he’s doing a really good job at convincing me I’ve had enough.

I’M SO CONFUSED!

Life doesn’t even make sense to me anymore. I use to be so sure about who I was, where I was going, and who I wanted to become in the meantime. Now I just don’t know. Nobody has any answers!

“REMEMBER: THERE’S NEVER A PERFECT MATCH”

Says the bus driver. I’ve always know that life isn’t perfect and I’m not perfect and that’s not going to change. But why can’t I at least have a perfect match?!
If God has all of the answers, then why doesn’t he share them with me?? I know he is there, I’m sure of that. But then why do I still feel so alone?

I FEEL LIKE I’M GOING TO BE SICK!

My head an stomach are swimming so much, I can’t even think straight.

HELP!

The Problem with Pain

There is so much pain around me—pain that I cannot heal. I hurt, they hurt. And now I hurt from my own problems and from theirs. But I cannot heal them. Why does death take loved ones from us early? Why do illnesses debilitate the faithful, the righteous, and undeserving? But most of all, why can I do nothing?!

Weaknesses or Strengths?

I’m so weak! I have an issue that I’ve been trying to work through for the past, hum…several years! but I always succumb to my temptations. Why do I do that? I think that it’s because my mental will and desire for things is often less powerful than my physical will. I’m definitely getting better, but I still have a long way to go…
On a very different note, I have been in the library for several hours studying for my Media Ethics, Law, and Responsibility class. I have a timed midterm on Monday, and I’m really nervous. We also have a homework assignment of reading 80+ pages! Why does he think that he can do this to us?! Doesn’t he know that I have homework in my other classes too? All well.
I’m just kinda sad that work and school are taking up so much of my time. I know these are my primary priorities, but I really wanted to go to the temple this morning and just didn’t have time.
Time and money have really shown their importance in my life during that past couple of days. I just don’t have enough of either to do everything. I think that I really want to have a bit of money when I get older. I know that money and time have been real struggles in my parents’ life, and because time is money and money is time I just don’t think that I want to waste time worrying about money.

Deleted...

I recently wrote a lengthy blog entry which nicely depicted my feelings...something happened...now it is no more. End of story.

Hum...

Life is so interesting.

I’ve learned some things about it recently.

Whenever God closes a door, he really does open a window. And when Satan closes a door, God opens another door and sends the rescue service in to get you. Not very many people know this, but I found myself in a bad situation this past week. A married male colleague of mine made suggestive comments to me and crossed a line causing me to feel as though I was in danger. I have never felt so sick to my stomach before. However, so many things fell perfectly into place for me.

Another interesting thing that I’ve learned about life is that it will keep going without you. If I decide to waste away in bed, it does not stop. If I decide to have a bad day, it does not stop. If I decide not to take advantage of everything around me, it does not stop. I have decided to live life to the fullest, and it is just that a decision.

I am so grateful for the air that I have to breathe, and that I am still alive to breathe it.

"So ya had a bad day"

I really don't like people who are rich, snobby, know-it-alls, jerky, holier-than-thou, rude, arrogant, stupid, lucky, prideful, babied, good at everything, dressed in the latest fad, top-of-the-class, beauty queens, lazy, messy, don't have a sense of style or music, uneducated (by personal choice), stereotypical, simply bad, oblivious, play video games excessively (according to my measurement), drive unlawfully, don't see, don't care, don't feel, just don't know.

Today has been one of those days. After arriving to school before the rest of the student body woke up, I studied for my day's classes and a major test that I had to take this afternoon. At 8:00 I rushed off to my first class just to find out that a 2 hour lab session was canceled...again (yeah, and has been 3 out of the 4 weeks we've been in school...talk about slightly ticked) (oh, and side note, my TA borrowed my book/CD for the class 2 weeks ago, then lent them to someone else. "Oh, I forgot."...again, are we slightly ticked???). So, I could have gotten more sleep. Instead I utilized my time and studied for my test some more. Actually, I taught all of the material to another student that had only attended lecture twice. I suppose I didn't mind sharing the fruits of my hours of hard work making flashcards. After all, because I was teaching him, it was a good review for me.

I did get a nice break from my day during my wonderful religion class. Thank goodness...Too bad it only lasted 50 min.

Then, naturally, I studied for another hour. And after I couldn't study any longer, I took the test. After my hours of work, no wonder I felt really good about the test while taking it. Yea for studying so much--I GOT 65%!!! I was appalled. Oh, but that isn't the worst of it. Someone who isn't familiar with the subject and didn't study at all mind you, got a better score than I did.

After which, I went to work so that I could support my way through school and life. Again, unlike many around me who's parents pay for their fancy new cars. No, I don't have a car; I paid for the $70 bus pass on my own and stand in the cold waiting for it every morning after walking there to get to school early BECAUSE IT BUILDS CHARACTER! I'm not bitter though.

Sorry, side tracked again. After work I went to my last class and took a quiz. I stayed after class to prepare for my presentation I'm giving on Thursday. My group finished just in time for me to miss the last bus, so I did not drive a brand-new car but walked the 25 min. walk home in the dark carrying all of my books. When I got home I tried calling someone just to let out frustrations, and to my surprise a deep scratch is now running right down the front of my phone. It's a good thing that one of my roommates had dinner waiting on the table: spaghetti, one of my least favorite foods.

Well, I got a calling tonight. Not only did Heavenly Father point out the North Star to me (I was praying while I walked, and when I looked up I was walking directly North and saw the star), but he gave me a hug (completely out of the norm, the 2nd counselor in the Bishopric gave me a hug when I showed up for my interview).

My cold is now coming back, so I guess I'd better turn in.

Night!

When life hits, say "ouch."

If God gives you lemons, try not to squirt them in your eye.

When life gets you down ...

look up.

Thank you Heavenly Father.

...but try not to trip while looking up!

This is No Place For a Child

A child has no place in a world of hate. Her fragile body is not meant to cope with the sting of its pain and will wither away. A girl with no name lies crumpled in a dark corner. She is stripped of the warmth of love, and shivers at the remnant of all that now surrounds her. She grasps her knees tightly and sways back and forth. She feels lost and lonely but fights back the tears of utter despair with a blanket of rage. Her efforts have gone to naught. A heavy drop falls from the corner of her eye and caresses her scarlet cheek. Her emotions are too strong to suppress, and a flickering light reveals the glistening of streaming tears. Such a young girl contemplates the value of her own life as she continues to sway back and forth with the rhythm of the ticking clock. Tightening the grip on her legs, her back curves over and reveals the bones of the hungry. Her shadow tells the tale of a haggard old woman, yet her life only measures that of eight years. Her withered body is not graced with words of wisdom and wrinkled skin, but words of hate that scar the child and welts of pain that cause her wrinkles. She is hiding in a dark corner, but mentally continues to run; never feeling safe from the monster that haunts her soul. This is no life for a child; nonetheless, she and many like her are forced to continue living it. She is relentlessly chased, and believes that rest only comes when one lies in the grave. She did not ask for a life like this, no one does. She too was born into the comfort of a gentle mother’s arms; yet learned all too quickly life can change. As she rubs her decrepit fingers down her shivering shoulder, her soul cries out for all that is good. A life of hate can be as cold and hard as ice. This is no life for a child.

Why can't I figure myself out?

I am enough of an anomaly to society to believe that the chance of my finding someone compatible with me was next to nothing. Yet tonight I went out with a guy that is better at being me than I am. Despite the similarities, I didn’t like him. Shocking, I know. I suppose ‘compatible’ doesn’t necessarily mean exactly alike. But regardless of how he behaved, what I am more upset about than anything is that I now can’t figure out what I do like. What do I want? This is one of my lifelong questions and it remains yet to be answered. Often I wish that I could give up the pursuit to answer. Why can’t I figure myself out? Guys know that we are complicated, but they will never truly understand the depths of which complexity reach.

I believe that differences compliment one another, but can also cause contention and draw individuals apart. The balance in love and life is so fragile that the smallest tip of the scale is liable to teardown the efforts of one’s entire existence.

We walk a delicate line. Yet it is the thrill associated with being on the edge of love that pushes us to take another step. Many slip, often when least expected, into and out of love. But it is for the times when the hair on the back of your neck rises with your body, and an indescribable feeling accompanies an indescribable bond forged for the eternities, it is the love of love that gives us life causing the pursuit of it to last now and forever.

Never Enough

Why does the world pressure me to be more than is possible? Some aspects of life are purely designed for failure. I can be pretty, but not gorgeous; nice but not as nice as the guy before me; smart, skilled, fast, successful, affluent, friendly, talented, early, but not enough. I will never be one on the top; someone will always be better.

Perfection by definition does not exist. The term when applied to reality is purely up to personal interpretation; either manipulated as an ego booster by including attributes one has already obtained, or built to depict an unreachable feat which will tear us down in our efforts to reach. If we look at perfection as being without fault, blemish, or loss, than perfection really is unobtainable. This is the standard of the world, and yet it is the world that suffers imperfection.

The pressures are there,

but I will never measure up to expectations.