Possibilities

The world is open to me.

Have you ever felt

that rush of opportunity

that rides in on the

morning breeze?

I've felt so old and closed off recently.

Walls are coming down.

Today was fresh.

I feel as though I'm at a beginning again, not an end.

Change

It's feeling lost in your own skin.

I feel so helpless right now.

And rather hopeless too.

What to do? Oh, what to do?

Goodbye, New York!

My mom came and picked me up from New York!

...meaning, I'm back!

My mom and her friend flew in on red.

So, of course, they took quite a nap after I picked them up from the subway.

Then we went to the MET.

My mom was SO excited to see the actual paintings of some of her favorite artists for the first time.

Wouldn't it be bliss to spend your afternoons painting pictures of paintings in the MET?

I think so.

Yeah... taking pics of the naked status to text to their husbands...

More excitement!

We searched all over for Madame X. Somehow we happened across a storage room and wandered through just to LUCKILY find Madame X in STORAGE!

This amazing sampler was stitched by a 14 year old!

And not only that, but she was experimenting and developing new stitches.

I want to do this!!!

After our sophisticated afternoon checking out the MET, we decided to take some time in my neighborhood. And here's what Harlem had to offer.

Bath salts anyone?

As part of our Harlem experience (besides watching my mom get surrounded by about 10 men with bongo drums and dreadlocks), we rocked out at the Apollo Theater!

My mom spent most of her subway time looking for rats.

She said she had to see one to feel her New York experience was complete.

My mom's friend wanted to go to the American Girls Doll store.

I sat around for about an hour before I went exploring and found these...

Doll hooks in the bathroom!

Of course! How would every little girl in that building carrying their doll use the potty if there weren't doll hooks?!

Every accessory imaginable for every spoiled child there.

WE SAW WICKED ON BROADWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A. M. A. Z. I. N. G.

My mom liked listening to my neighbors fighting in a cool African language.

She just so happened to listen in the dark bathroom while hiding behind the shampoo...

We took a gypsy cab to the air port, and I got my last look at the city.

We flew stand-by and there was little chance of getting out of New York the first few days, let alone catching our next stand-by transfer flight to actually get home to Utah.

However, in spite of our plans to sleep at the air port for three days, blessings upon blessings upon blessings got us on the first available flight!

And on the next!

We ended up getting home by 3am New York time, but it was all in one day!

All of my sisters took turns putting in a letter for our "Welcome Home" sign. However, someone apparently missed their turn in putting in the "e." And Grace said they got tired by the time they got to the coloring, so only the first letter got coloring.

But I'm home.

Back in Utah.

Things I've noticed in the few days I've been back:

-There are so many white people here.

-The sky is so big.

-It's really quiet at night.

-We can't "just walk"--anywhere.

-You don't have to wake up sweaty from the humidity.

-I had forgotten what stars look like.

-I lost 6 lbs. over the summer.

-I still hate Utah mosquitos.

Ready for adventure the next!

F.Y.I.

Dear People,

A week from today I will be in Utah. Two weeks from today I will be a different age. Three weeks from today I will be in California. Four weeks from today I will be starting a new life.

Just thought I'd let you know.

-Me

Hellloooo, New York!

I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but I'M IN NEW YORK! I didn't think I'd ever make it here, but I am, in fact, sitting in the basement of my housing complex on the edge of Harlom in NYC! My friend, Rob, picked me up from the airport last night, and then gave me a walking tour of the city today. Here are my thoughts:

As I exited the airport doors, I felt the heavy air consume my body. It had been raining for several hours by this point, and the air was thick with moisture. The cars were nothing but stop and go--no room for weak brakes. One large truck literally looked both ways (if that) and then simply drove through a red light. Another car saw the red light and stopped under the light, in the middle of the intersection, until it turned green again.

I love the man who welcomed me to the house--dreadlocks and all! "What the pen isn't working? Well, this is a non-profit organization. What do you expect?"

The subways smell like urine and the city a cacophony of fragrances ranging from fried onions to cheep perfume to more urine.

We visited the Manhattan temple, and the security guard at the front door was helping herself to a large cup of coffee. It was rather humorous.

I live in a dorm apartment on the same floor with a Russian opera singer and Tommy.

More than anything, I am SO EXCITED to start my internship with National Geographic tomorrow!

I'll try and keep the updates more regular now. Maybe I'll even get around to recapping on what's happened in the past month.

Moving On, Moving Up

Many of you have heard my "Travis story"--some of you in more detail than others; but I think that story has finally come to an end. I did a really hard thing and may have just closed the door between the two of us permanently. I think that's a good thing though--sad, but only in some ways, and still very good for me.

"The End" sometimes means, "Once Upon A Time"...

What is Change?

As I begin this new year, naturally, I've thought a lot about my past--who I was, who I am now, and who I want to become. I learned a lot, and grew more than I could have anticipated. But today I learned another lesson, and made another step. In Elder Holland's speech Remember Lot's Wife, he teaches of not looking back to the past with a longing for what was or could have been.

"The future holds everything for us."

"Faith builds on the past, but never longs to stay there. Faith trusts that God has great things in store for each of us; and that Christ truly is the High Priest of things to come."

"Keep your eyes on your dreams, however distant and far away. Live to see the miracles of repentance and forgiveness, of trust and divine love that will transform your life today and tomorrow and forever. That is a New Year's resolution I ask you to keep."

Today I learned not to doubt the Lord's ability to give us something better than the past. He forgets the past if we allow him to forgive. We should remember it--but only enough to build upon it, grow, learn, and change.

Changing behavior is good, but changing our driving motives through constant prayer is better.
Change must be conscious. Change is faith. Allowing others to change is charity.

New York, Baby!!!

Next summer I will hopefully stay in this place...

Which is in this city...

Interning with this company...

Yahoo!!!!

Round...well, the next.

I'm back at school again. And like always, I already have homework. Yes I am suppose to be working on my homework right now, but I got on the computer instead. I was tempted to do something I didn't want to, so I'm writing you as a preventative measure.

I'm scared out of my whits for this fall semester! I have really hard classes and a really busy schedule. I'm trying to convince myself that I can do anything, but I know I can't do everything.

In addition to classes, boys, work, and home are all good too.

Baby Steps

My emotions hurt and my body is exhausted, but for some reason I feel okay right now.

I went to an academic advisement counselor yesterday. Mostly she just reassured me that I was in an okay position and on the right track. We went over what classes I have left that I absolutely have to take, and then I just drilled her with my excessive amount of questions. After the meeting I essentially planned my entire academic life for the next year and a half. I feel good about things. I will be taking longer than necessary to graduate, but it is necessary for me that I graduate later if it means that I get me double major. I was really prepared to fight the counselor on what I expected to be a tremendous amount of discouragement concerning my desire to double, but was very much so relieved and empowered by her surprising support.

I feel as though my soul is mending right now. It really wasn’t as broken as it could have been, and I’m still incredibly confused about my own surfeit of emotions, but I stumbled and am now beginning to walk again. Running yesterday was a mistake, and I’ve learned not to jump the gun, but I can start walking into my own future with a degree of confidence.

Growing Pains

Ok, so I’ve wanted to start this blog for a really long time, but I couldn’t think of anything meaningful to say. As a result I’ve said nothing at all (yeah, a whole lot better, I know). But instead of not making any progress, I’ve decided it is best to at least take baby-steps. Any type of change that produces progress, whether small or large, easy or difficult is good....I suppose.
Warning: because I have nothing significant to say, the following will most likely contain senseless babble.

Currently, I’m confused with life. This happens quite often mind you. I’ve recently left home, living on my own and going to school like I’ve always wanted. But I feel nervous, lonely, inadequate, homesick, poor, tired, annoyed with consistent compromising, and ready to acquire magnificent superpowers to aid me in my struggles. I’ve been “top of the class” most of my life, but after barely making it into the University of my choice, I now hardly compare to my peers and I’m struggling to breath in a sea of overwhelming intelligence. I guess you could say that I’m suffering from growing pains. I suppose I’m confused because this is all unexpected for me. I thought easy, fun, and sure, maybe an education.

All well. Growing is good right? I just have to keep telling myself that, grit my teeth, and get over myself. Life’s just hard. I only wish that I could love it all the time including the struggles.

Carpe Diem Vici

Carpe Diem Vici
[Seize the day and conquer!]

Carpe Diem
[Seize the day]

Veni, Vidi, Vici.
[I came, I saw, I conquered]