Yesterday:

I’m trying to catch you up on the portions of my life that time has not permitted me to write. I didn’t really do anything exciting for most of the day. After sleeping in until 7:30, I worked from 9am-4:30pm. It was a really long day. I was actually supposed to work until 5:30ish, but I felt sick and became incredibly unproductive so I just left.
Because I got home a little earlier than planned, I had my “talk” with Mike. It was ok… I’m just not exactly sure how to express my feelings about relationships to myself all the time, and yet he wants me to explain them to him. Honestly, his intentions are pure, but if he wants to get to know me, he needs to get to know more about me than my thoughts and feelings about current and past relationships!!! I really don’t like that he doesn’t make me laugh. I think that most of my fabulous conversations are about either incredibly serious or humorous topics. He rarely covers either. Don’t get me wrong…he is a great guy and trying really hard. I know that I am being incredibly harsh but something really is missing. He is a great guy that I enjoy spending time with on my good days, but he isn’t emotionally there for me on my bad days when I probably need someone the most. If one’s company can’t weather my bad days, they simply won’t last for the good. I don’t know what to do…
Our talk was cut rather short though when I was called away to attend my “Mexi-party” with Rachel and Stephanie. It was great! I still felt sick during the first half though, so that was kinda a bummer, but the evening progressed quite nicely. Honestly, I really can’t go shopping with those girls and expect to get out of the store when planned! We really are time wasters when together. Dinner of Spanish rice, tacos, and toquitoes was great! During and afterward we discussed a variety of topics and really had an enjoyable evening together. There was only a small interruption of me locking myself out of my apartment by accident—first, and hopefully last, time this year.

Weaknesses or Strengths?

I’m so weak! I have an issue that I’ve been trying to work through for the past, hum…several years! but I always succumb to my temptations. Why do I do that? I think that it’s because my mental will and desire for things is often less powerful than my physical will. I’m definitely getting better, but I still have a long way to go…
On a very different note, I have been in the library for several hours studying for my Media Ethics, Law, and Responsibility class. I have a timed midterm on Monday, and I’m really nervous. We also have a homework assignment of reading 80+ pages! Why does he think that he can do this to us?! Doesn’t he know that I have homework in my other classes too? All well.
I’m just kinda sad that work and school are taking up so much of my time. I know these are my primary priorities, but I really wanted to go to the temple this morning and just didn’t have time.
Time and money have really shown their importance in my life during that past couple of days. I just don’t have enough of either to do everything. I think that I really want to have a bit of money when I get older. I know that money and time have been real struggles in my parents’ life, and because time is money and money is time I just don’t think that I want to waste time worrying about money.

Stream of consciousness

For as hard as it is to grow up, it sure feels good afterwards. I can only relate this phenomenon to exercise. Point made. I feel as though I am really discovering myself through the process though; clearly I’m not there yet, but I’m learning so much. My most recently learned lessons are that I am an incredible twit sometimes (in the bad way), that I have a soul mate searching for me, and that I have a lot of growing up left to do in my life. I’ve discovered that life can bring me incredible joy beyond the possible pain. For as much as I love being a student whose life is saturated in the university environment, I think that I really will be ready to move on and have a real life after graduation. I love all that life can offer. I especially love the arts: movies, museums, music, theater, dance, literature, photography, life. They are all magical and bring joy to my everyday mundane.

Now, about the everyday mundane:
I’ve moved into a new apartment. As you can see, I’ve written more since I’ve moved in and that’s not because my new roommates are bringing me uncontrollable joy to write about. They are very cordial, nice. They are quiet and reserved. That is virtually all that I know about them and I’ve lived here for two weeks. Granted, that’s not very long, but long enough.

Recently I’ve felt as though there is something inside of me that is struggling to come out, but just doesn’t know how. I wish that I could identify this source of internal pressure. Or at least discover the outlet by way its release might come about. I feel as though my head is not yet smart enough to say what my soul already knows. Listening to music, daydreaming, and surrounding myself with the art and inspiration that I love only encourages the swelling, but not the release.

For as much as I love life, I’ve also had some very conflicting thoughts about it as well. “What’s the point?” I’ve often wondered. I am very religious and understand that perspective, but my brain can’t really wrap itself around the entire concept of what the purpose of stress, time, and the details of the day really mean in the entire scheme of things.

Random stream, I know. Yet, mind you, this is merely a minute snippet of how my mind operates on a minute to minute basis.

And the day goes on…

Deleted...

I recently wrote a lengthy blog entry which nicely depicted my feelings...something happened...now it is no more. End of story.

Uh...marriage???

Okay, I don’t even know where to start. First of all, my life is great. I have a very nice life with a wonderful family, job, education, and decent social life. Sometimes I can feel like I’m on top of the world…and others…
Today I toured KUER. I had a fabulous experience and became really excited about my future, primarily my future career. It has become very clear to me during the past week that journalism will definitely be a part of my future life. However, my emotions take a definite turn when I talk about the aspects of my future. I have really struggled with my homework this evening and decided to take a break after three hours and check out a few friends on facebook. To my surprise, someone that I had been highly interested in last semester has a girlfriend. Honestly, I was more surprised with my reaction than with this fact alone. My heart leaped and my stomach churned. Why is that? I was sure that I was completely over him. And worse than that, he was never really in to me and probably hasn’t thought twice about me since he walked away. But something in me was frustrated, even angry, and rather hurt. Again, why is that? I have not only dated other people since my idiotic infatuation with this individual, I have also been interested in someone else and have also had a relationship of my own. To be entirely truthful with myself, I think that the reason I was hurt and the reason I am not satisfied with my current relationship(s), regardless of their level, is because I really am searching for my match. And last night, I realized how much I really want to find him. That may sound incredibly sappy/cheesy, however, I really don’t care what others think at this point, because I know that marriage will make me happy. I want to fall in love. Divorce, fighting, and future trials scare me to some degree, but I think that my love for my future husband and his love for me will run so deep that these things will not be an issue for us. I love him. I pray for him. And I will find him soon.
Roommates are an interesting association. I have had a variety of roommates over my span of time away from home. My very first roommate was weird; this term is not mean in a critical, derogitory, or rude fassion, she simply was just that—weird. My second roommate was entirely infatuated with a boy and while she was nice, I had little association with her. However, “little” is more than I can say I had with my next roommate, whom I saw a total of five times throughout the summer term even though we shared a room together. And then, my roommates Becky, Karma, and Emily came along. I grew to love each one of them very much. I can’t say that they weren’t hard to live with, or that we were problem free, but I did love them. Our relationships are that of superb friends. Yet even this does not satisfy my crave for companionship. My current roommates are again nice and even so much as pleasant, however my assocation with them is limited, as is the extent of our relationship. To be quite frank, I am done with roommates, even the ones that I say I love. As I disclaimer, I want to clarify that just because I don’t want to be roommates with them anymore doesn’t mean that I don’t love them, and if I had to be roommates with anyone it would be them. However, I want an eternal bedmate, that’s all. I use to think that marriage was the end of my social life, or that I had more life to live before I got married, but I realized that my life will truly begin when I can stop searching for him and start living with him. I want someone to be there and listen to all of my daily shpeals with patience and love. I want to care and love someone.
Okay, I’ve offically scared myself with this little speech. I sound like the girls I roll my eyes at…who come to BYU simply for marriage. I guess I just worry whether or not I will ever fall in love, that's all...