The Answers that Nobody Sticks Around For:

"What's Up?" --a question so flippantly asked. Well, here's the answer that nobody sticks around long enough to hear:

Finals are done--thankfully. For a bit there, I wasn't sure if I was going to make it through. But I did. And here I am. Actually, there is a small chance (once again) that I can get my first 4.0 here at BYU. A few of my classes are a real tossup (like always) as to whether they'll be "A"s or "A-"s. Keep your fingers crossed.
Some of my professors have really ticked me off this finals time though. I don't understand how they can spend an entire semester teaching (or not teaching) one thing, and then harshly grade a final that had to do with entirely different things!!
It's funny, at the beginning of this semester I looked over everything that I would have to do until I reached the point that I am at now; and I may have shed a tear or two at all that was expected of me during 'Fall semester 2008.' I told myself "if I can survive this, it'll be a real accomplishment." I don't like giving myself a pat on the back; but I must say "I'm a survivor." It's funny I guess, because in pure hindsight bias the semester wasn't as bad as I had anticipated. But then again, call me Dante because it was a real trip through Hell. I'm not sure why that's funny. I guess the semester was just so good and so bad at the same time that I'm not sure how to feel about it. Either way, it's in my past. And soon I will not only put this semester to bed, but the entire year of 2008.

I had a real burst of future hopes yesterday. I watched several dance movies and they always get me going. I have really big plans for next summer! I want to take hip-hop lessons and maybe ballroom, guitar lessons, write and read a ton, get my ASL interpreting certification, get a random job, maybe take classes, and stay at home with my family! It's gonna be a great summer.
But before I even get to next summer, I'm really looking forward to next semester too. I'm not really sure if I'm going to be able to handle everything I'm signed up for though. I actually had a dream about it last night. The whole night I struggled with decisions of what to participate in and what not to. A lot of my anxiety stems from my new job as Technical Director of the Daily News on Fridays. I just don't think that it fits in my schedule. And even more than that, when I pray about it I keep feeling like I need to decline the position. The answer seems so obvious on paper, but I just worry that withdrawing will give me a bad reputation in the news room, and I don't want to lose a skill that I think is fun either. But seriously, I'm signed up for 17 credits and two part-time jobs! Yeah, I know, I'm crazy. I'm so excited for all of my classes, and the first thing that I would drop would be directing. It's sad, but I think I'm just going to have to get the guts up to say something. As far as the classes that I hope to keep: Living Prophets, Intro to Guitar, Intro to Latin Ballroom Dance, Intro to Standard Ballroom Dance, Media History & Philosophy, Television News Production, British Literary History 1, and Creative Writing. I can't wait!

In looking to the future, I can't help but often wonder where my life will be in five years. I see a lot of my friends going off and getting married, starting their families. I'm also making a lot of new friends who got married before I even met them. Being at BYU, and reaching the ripe "old" age of twenty, the favorite topic of conversation among most people I know is :
"Who are you dating?"
"How's your dating life?"
"We're trying to get pregnant."
"You guys are going to get married, I know it."
"I'm sorry your social life sucks."
"I'm engaged!"
"I'm pregnant!"
"Have you guys kissed yet?"
"Being single is good...I guess."
I tried picturing myself with kids. I can see it--ten years from now! Last night, as I lay in bed, I realized that I had never even pictured myself in a wedding dress. I imagined a reception setting a few times, and it was kinda hard to put myself in the bride's shoes. Even harder was to find someone to stand in for the groom. I kind of have a 'crush,' or as I like to say "I'm minutely interested" in a guy in my ward right now. I really don't think that he is interested in the slightest, and my own interest is waning, but my mom says not to slam the door of my heart on him yet. She thinks that I should give him next semester; I'm giving him the first month--tops. Honestly, I don't want him (or anyone else for that matter) to "fall madly in love with me" and want to marry me next semester. I just want a really good friend for now. Maybe even merge into boyfriend. But for now, I'm so incredibly single (as usual) that it's not even funny. It's a good think I like being single some of the time, or else I might go crazy over it (like some people I know...).
Right now, I'm not even near the person that I'd like to be when I get married and start a family. Let's just say, I have a lot of goals for next year; a lot of areas for improvement.

Karma and I have had a really good experience visiting teaching this semester. One of our teachees has really opened up to us and really seems to depend on us a lot for emotional support. I really hope that we can be everything that she needs.

Oh! I found some new songs that I really like: Fred Jones, Part 2--Ben Folds, Fix You--Coldplay, and X & Y--Coldplay. Some of Avril Lavigne's songs have really hit the mark these past few weeks.
And, of course, my "Most Often Played" Playlist still holds most of my overplayed favorites.

Hmm...I think that's pretty much it for now. Thanks for asking.

How are you?

Finals Are Coming...

Now is the time that many students dread; an accumulation of all that was SUPPOSED to have been learned throughout the semester will be tested and graded.
The time for learning is passed. The time for reckoning is here.

But why do I feel like I am learning more than ever right now?

I am discovering myself. But I suppose the test of self is ongoing.

Inadequate

I'm feeling inadequate again. Even though I try really hard to mentally prepare myself for life’s difficult moments—like now—I know I also prepare the way for their existence. It reminds me a lot of how I tell myself to stop eating so much sugar while simultaneously eating a large bowl of ice cream with chocolate chocolate-chip cookies. Yeah, it’s happened multiple times.

Why do I expect so much of myself? Or worse yet, why do I so ruthlessly compare myself to everyone around me? I just want to be the best at everything; what’s so wrong about that? No. Really, I think I just don’t know where I’m going in life so I try to keep every door open, which, in my mind, requires me to be the best at everything I try.

Round...well, the next.

I'm back at school again. And like always, I already have homework. Yes I am suppose to be working on my homework right now, but I got on the computer instead. I was tempted to do something I didn't want to, so I'm writing you as a preventative measure.

I'm scared out of my whits for this fall semester! I have really hard classes and a really busy schedule. I'm trying to convince myself that I can do anything, but I know I can't do everything.

In addition to classes, boys, work, and home are all good too.

Happy Pioneer Day!

It sure is great to live in Utah and reap the benefits of such a unique holiday.

It's been awhile since I've posted (which seems to be a habit of mine, posting in spurts I mean). I've really become attracted to the handwritten word and emphatically taken up journal writing once again. Don't worry; I'm not neglecting my revitalized love of journal writing for the impersonal internet publication of one's self-declared important thoughts and feeling. I've already written in my private treasure chest of life. I just thought that I could make the time to post every now and then as well.

I've decided that my personal life is not meant for the internet, and it was rather juvenile of me to believe otherwise. Now don't judge me harshly, as I'm sure anyone reading this is also a blogger of their own personal experiences. This is just a personal decision that I'd like to experiment with until further notice.

My intentions when initially creating this blog were to have an outlet for emotional venting and a motivator to improve my writing skills. I really want to become a good writer, and would greatly appreciate if I could shut my mouth a little more often and wait until I could get things down in writing. But I realized that mostly the negative moments of my life are elaborated upon and posted for all to see, but that is not entirely who I am. Everyone has good moments and bad; but I have no right to pollute the already infested internet world with more garbage.

I just wish that I wasn't so tired all of the time. Life looks a whole lot better when you're looking through wide open and alert eyes. Yet here I am, awake and up late once again.

But life is good. And I'm working to make it better.

The Light on the Other Side

As I take every tentative step, I know that I am moving forward. I still feel as though I am traveling across a rickety old bridge in hopes of the change on the other side; but every step requires faith, a continuous resolve to do better, and the ability to forgive myself for my mistakes, and I am trying. Change looms in the air of my life. And while the grass on the other side is “just as hard to mow,” I feel as though greener pastures await me. My experiences are all new right now, and yet feel “overdone” as well. The challenges I face everyday successfully manage to thwart my ever growing efforts to succeed. I try to run, but stumble. I try to get back up just to fall again.
Work use to be my safeguard, but discouragement, disappointment, and disillusion curb my passion and kill my hope. I no longer feel a part of a nurturing safe haven, and sadly I believe the people I work with bring this unwanted spirit. N.I. is not a happy person. She is bitter, hurt, and lost. But for as much as I desire to support her, she is bringing me down.
School has also lost its savor for me. I am burned out and tired. However, after having said that, I have a wonderful set of classes this term; and thankfully so. I just wish that I were better. But again, I believe that I have merely hit a plateau, stepped up to the beginning of the bridge. Now if I can just get across, things will look up. I am both nervous and excited about my future. I have an intense and deeply rooted fear of failure, and I am struggling to suppress my seemingly life threatening anxieties. I am learning the art of peace with one’s own flaws.
And, as I am going through the typical list, I’m not sure where I stand with the male race at this time. My ache for “him” will never be satisfied until he is with me for eternity, but in the meantime uncertainty smothers those desires—at least to some degree. This past week I planned my academic schedule for the next two years. Quite ostentatious, I know. However, the satisfaction I felt was buffered with the conclusion that marriage was not to be a part of that schedule and that I was more than okay with that decision; tonight my feelings pushed me back to square one. I am not madly in love with anyone, nor are there any even remote prospects at this time; yet I enjoyed myself while on a date, and longed once again for that protective arm to consume me in my pains and trials. I honestly believed that I could suppress that desire for the time being, but I was most definitely wrong. Now what?
On a happier note, I have begun yet another book. I have never before read Jane Eyre, nor am I even remotely familiar with its story, but I am in love with it thus far (page 20…).
Wish me luck on both my Physical Science test and my Cha-cha test, for I am nervous about both.
Life is so complex it is great; life is so great, it’s complex.

Baby Steps

My emotions hurt and my body is exhausted, but for some reason I feel okay right now.

I went to an academic advisement counselor yesterday. Mostly she just reassured me that I was in an okay position and on the right track. We went over what classes I have left that I absolutely have to take, and then I just drilled her with my excessive amount of questions. After the meeting I essentially planned my entire academic life for the next year and a half. I feel good about things. I will be taking longer than necessary to graduate, but it is necessary for me that I graduate later if it means that I get me double major. I was really prepared to fight the counselor on what I expected to be a tremendous amount of discouragement concerning my desire to double, but was very much so relieved and empowered by her surprising support.

I feel as though my soul is mending right now. It really wasn’t as broken as it could have been, and I’m still incredibly confused about my own surfeit of emotions, but I stumbled and am now beginning to walk again. Running yesterday was a mistake, and I’ve learned not to jump the gun, but I can start walking into my own future with a degree of confidence.

Running For My Life

I went running. It took courage. I did it.

I Feel Your Pain and Wonder Why it Has to be This Way.

There is so much pain around me—pain that I cannot heal. I hurt, they hurt. And now I hurt from my own problems and from theirs. But I cannot heal them. Why does death take loved ones from us early? Why do illnesses debilitate the faithful, the righteous, and undeserving? But most of all, why can I do nothing?!

This week, more than ever before, the existence and prevalence of pain and problems in everyone’s lives has manifested itself strongly unto me. There are billions of people in the world, and yet we feel alone. People may reach out to us, but in fear we recoil back into our shells, our safe places—lonely, but not vulnerable. I now understand Christ’s willingness to give Himself for the pains of the world. If I could, I would. But even if our sacrifices could heal, I myself am not a worthy enough sacrifice to compensate.

I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel sick. Fat. Ugly. Tired. Empty. Hurting. Angry. Stupid. –Probably all feelings coming from Satan, but he’s doing a really good job at convincing me I’ve had enough.

I’M SO CONFUSED!

Life doesn’t even make sense to me anymore. I use to be so sure about who I was, where I was going, and who I wanted to become in the meantime. Now I just don’t know. Nobody has any answers!

“REMEMBER: THERE’S NEVER A PERFECT MATCH”

Says the bus driver. I’ve always know that life isn’t perfect and I’m not perfect and that’s not going to change. But why can’t I at least have a perfect match?!
If God has all of the answers, then why doesn’t he share them with me?? I know he is there, I’m sure of that. But then why do I still feel so alone?

I FEEL LIKE I’M GOING TO BE SICK!

My head an stomach are swimming so much, I can’t even think straight.

HELP!

The Problem with Pain

There is so much pain around me—pain that I cannot heal. I hurt, they hurt. And now I hurt from my own problems and from theirs. But I cannot heal them. Why does death take loved ones from us early? Why do illnesses debilitate the faithful, the righteous, and undeserving? But most of all, why can I do nothing?!