Hum...

Life is so interesting.

I’ve learned some things about it recently.

Whenever God closes a door, he really does open a window. And when Satan closes a door, God opens another door and sends the rescue service in to get you. Not very many people know this, but I found myself in a bad situation this past week. A married male colleague of mine made suggestive comments to me and crossed a line causing me to feel as though I was in danger. I have never felt so sick to my stomach before. However, so many things fell perfectly into place for me.

Another interesting thing that I’ve learned about life is that it will keep going without you. If I decide to waste away in bed, it does not stop. If I decide to have a bad day, it does not stop. If I decide not to take advantage of everything around me, it does not stop. I have decided to live life to the fullest, and it is just that a decision.

I am so grateful for the air that I have to breathe, and that I am still alive to breathe it.

The random thoughts I have

Okay, I know that I haven’t been on for awhile. This is partly because I have been extremely busy, and partly because in spite of all of my business nothing exciting has happened.

I have a few issues on my mind that I would like to vent at this time. First of all, why is it that why you like a guy and believe that you are sending out all of the right signals he just doesn’t get it, at all; but if you don’t like a guy, to just be nice to him means “come get me I’m yours.”

Secondly, I am so tired. Tired from lack of physical rest and tired from lack of mental rest. I have learned some very important concepts in the past few days about my life and the direction it should be taking. Those who know me also know that I am somewhat of a perfectionist and extremely anal about the phrase “doing my best.” I did some research on the topic of perfection, and directed my search primarily towards God’s definition of perfection. I discovered how I far off the mark I have been for so very long. My efforts towards perfection (according to my definition) stem from my deeply rooted desire to impress those around me, primarily my Heavenly Father, parents, family, and associates, not limited to, but specifically including those I do and those I would like to date. Now, after having said all of this, I realized that my “success” does not determine who I am and should not determine how others view me. It is not the result or out come that I should be judged by, as this is the role of Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father. More accurately, others should view me through my efforts, not the result but instead the process. I am tired because I am running so very fast in directions that are good, but not always necessary. I have decided to slow down—to rest. And as my dear roommate would say, “have some fun Anna! Lighten up. Live a little.” I think that I just might.

Am I weird? Sometimes I just wonder…

Last week I had a run-in with life, and those I live with. I wound up with a little time one my hands alone in the dark to think. For many years I have felt somewhat out of place in life. I use to say that I was always looking for my “niche.” This week I realized that I have a niche. I am who I am; I don’t need to change that to fit into someone’s niche. And that it is not someone’s niche that I am looking to fit in, but instead someone I am looking to fit into mine. It occurred to me that someone is out there just for me. And that they will love me, eternally, for exactly who I am. I won’t need to feel embarrassed about any aspect of myself, but will be accompanied in both the late night philosophical conversations and the even later night hyperactivity. Someday I’ll find my best friend-today is just not that day.

Hum…I think that is all on my mind for now. Actually, with the head cold that I now have, there’s not much room for anything at all in my throbbing head.

Another day…Another thought…Another feeling.

More pictures...

Josh is Home!!!

Look at that Elder Guapo...

"So ya had a bad day"

I really don't like people who are rich, snobby, know-it-alls, jerky, holier-than-thou, rude, arrogant, stupid, lucky, prideful, babied, good at everything, dressed in the latest fad, top-of-the-class, beauty queens, lazy, messy, don't have a sense of style or music, uneducated (by personal choice), stereotypical, simply bad, oblivious, play video games excessively (according to my measurement), drive unlawfully, don't see, don't care, don't feel, just don't know.

Today has been one of those days. After arriving to school before the rest of the student body woke up, I studied for my day's classes and a major test that I had to take this afternoon. At 8:00 I rushed off to my first class just to find out that a 2 hour lab session was canceled...again (yeah, and has been 3 out of the 4 weeks we've been in school...talk about slightly ticked) (oh, and side note, my TA borrowed my book/CD for the class 2 weeks ago, then lent them to someone else. "Oh, I forgot."...again, are we slightly ticked???). So, I could have gotten more sleep. Instead I utilized my time and studied for my test some more. Actually, I taught all of the material to another student that had only attended lecture twice. I suppose I didn't mind sharing the fruits of my hours of hard work making flashcards. After all, because I was teaching him, it was a good review for me.

I did get a nice break from my day during my wonderful religion class. Thank goodness...Too bad it only lasted 50 min.

Then, naturally, I studied for another hour. And after I couldn't study any longer, I took the test. After my hours of work, no wonder I felt really good about the test while taking it. Yea for studying so much--I GOT 65%!!! I was appalled. Oh, but that isn't the worst of it. Someone who isn't familiar with the subject and didn't study at all mind you, got a better score than I did.

After which, I went to work so that I could support my way through school and life. Again, unlike many around me who's parents pay for their fancy new cars. No, I don't have a car; I paid for the $70 bus pass on my own and stand in the cold waiting for it every morning after walking there to get to school early BECAUSE IT BUILDS CHARACTER! I'm not bitter though.

Sorry, side tracked again. After work I went to my last class and took a quiz. I stayed after class to prepare for my presentation I'm giving on Thursday. My group finished just in time for me to miss the last bus, so I did not drive a brand-new car but walked the 25 min. walk home in the dark carrying all of my books. When I got home I tried calling someone just to let out frustrations, and to my surprise a deep scratch is now running right down the front of my phone. It's a good thing that one of my roommates had dinner waiting on the table: spaghetti, one of my least favorite foods.

Well, I got a calling tonight. Not only did Heavenly Father point out the North Star to me (I was praying while I walked, and when I looked up I was walking directly North and saw the star), but he gave me a hug (completely out of the norm, the 2nd counselor in the Bishopric gave me a hug when I showed up for my interview).

My cold is now coming back, so I guess I'd better turn in.

Night!

When life hits, say "ouch."

If God gives you lemons, try not to squirt them in your eye.

When life gets you down ...

look up.

Thank you Heavenly Father.

...but try not to trip while looking up!

Football!

I just went to my first ever college football game! Naturally, BYU kicked Air force Academy’s trash, and it was great. I don’t think that I have yet completely grasped the clockworks of the game, but after the whole works (hot dog, rain, cheering, etc.) I do believe that I have the basic feel for it.

It has and will take work, but I just might be able to release my through and through opposition to football. I still can’t believe that I spend $90 on tickets for this year, but, to be honest, football fans aren’t all as dumb as I supposed them to be (sadly there is a good many though!). I just might eat my own words and become somewhat of a sports fan…but just a little.

This is No Place For a Child

A child has no place in a world of hate. Her fragile body is not meant to cope with the sting of its pain and will wither away. A girl with no name lies crumpled in a dark corner. She is stripped of the warmth of love, and shivers at the remnant of all that now surrounds her. She grasps her knees tightly and sways back and forth. She feels lost and lonely but fights back the tears of utter despair with a blanket of rage. Her efforts have gone to naught. A heavy drop falls from the corner of her eye and caresses her scarlet cheek. Her emotions are too strong to suppress, and a flickering light reveals the glistening of streaming tears. Such a young girl contemplates the value of her own life as she continues to sway back and forth with the rhythm of the ticking clock. Tightening the grip on her legs, her back curves over and reveals the bones of the hungry. Her shadow tells the tale of a haggard old woman, yet her life only measures that of eight years. Her withered body is not graced with words of wisdom and wrinkled skin, but words of hate that scar the child and welts of pain that cause her wrinkles. She is hiding in a dark corner, but mentally continues to run; never feeling safe from the monster that haunts her soul. This is no life for a child; nonetheless, she and many like her are forced to continue living it. She is relentlessly chased, and believes that rest only comes when one lies in the grave. She did not ask for a life like this, no one does. She too was born into the comfort of a gentle mother’s arms; yet learned all too quickly life can change. As she rubs her decrepit fingers down her shivering shoulder, her soul cries out for all that is good. A life of hate can be as cold and hard as ice. This is no life for a child.

Life's Just Too Short...

May I never take life too seriously.

May I never take a single breath for granted.

Why Do I Feel Guilty?

I just got a letter from an Elder serving in the Brazil Curitiba Mission. While reading his words my stomach became wound into knots and my heart became sick. Why do I feel so guilty about not being able to make myself like someone, just because they like me? I cannot force love, but he cannot stop it. He said his final good-byes to me and wished me a good life. After years of telling him that I could not like him he has finally gotten the message, but that doesn’t make me happy. I wish him the best of luck in his mission, in life, and in love. But I still do not, will not, and cannot love him. My heart bleeds for the loss we share, but not for him. It is nobody’s fault, but why do I feel so guilty?

Motherly Advice

----- Original Message -----

Subject: doah...I'm so dumb
Okay, after talking for about an hour with Emily, I now thoroughly feel like an idiot and know that I am wrong. I will be the first to admit that I am a complicated, illogical, scaredy-cat, nitwit. I'm sorry if I've caused you grief when I know that you are just trying to help. Now, as for my attempt at forming a solution to my self imposed problem. I think that I need to try and be less of a tight-wad. I am going to practice just going with the flow because I really don't need to decide right now if I am going to kiss, date, or marry anyone; I can make those decisions when they individually arise. I love you so much, and even if I act dumb your advice is always appreciated. Anna


Re: doah...I'm so dumb‏

What did you talk to Emily for an hour about?

And I don't ever think you are dumb! Now I might agree with the complicated part, but even then you really aren't that complicated. You just want to make good choices, right choices. And now is the time in your life when quite a few of those choices make lasting ripples in your life. But above everything else, trust your instincts, pray, and find joy in your life. I think relaxing is a good thing. You can relax without being a slacker, temptrest, or idiot. Take deep breaths, notice the sunset, relish a bite of good food, and find comfort in the relationships around you. Of course do your homework.

I think you miss understand my excitement about your liking someone, or someone liking you. I don’t want you to decide to get married. That will happen all too soon, thank you. But I think that liking someone, or someone liking you, is an important step to understanding your inner self, your likes and dislikes, and helps you "relax" in what comes when dating......aka holding hands, giggling, and yes occassionally a kis s. When you feel comfortable enough with yourself to feel comfortable with exploring a relationship with someone, then you will be in a position to decide about a long term arrangement. You are not ready for that decision yet. What if you decide you like someone and they don’t like you. It hurts a little, but in the long run you will honestly be better off for the hurt. What if someone likes you and you decide after some dates, and even a kis s (not casually given, but given in the atmosphere of a potential serious relationship), that you don't like him. It will hurt a little. but again you are both better off. You thought a relationship had potential, but found that it was wrong. You learn and grow and become more the woman that will fall in love and marry. Were you wrong to have had the relationship and then have it fail? No. It's following the spirit. It's meeting good people, but not the right person. Can you keep your standards? Yes, but that doesn’t mean you might not get close to someone.You won’t always be the girl that you were. It is a natural process that sometimes is fun, sometimes hurts. Why I feel comfortable with Seth and not Dan....let me explain. That even though I am not wanting you to be engaged, I do believe the saying that you marry who you date. So, at least as you do date, and have the potential of meeting "the one", choose your dates from those that have good goals and standards, habits, attitudes, etc. Have friends, date as friends, be open minded. And of course follow the spirit.

I always worried about Jessica's attitude about not kissing anyone until she kissed her husband to be. It made me feel like the rest of us where less of a person than she because we kissed others. I think that is an extreme ideal that isn’t support by doctrine. Not a bad ideal just extreme. If you like someone.....Like them, and see where it goes. Maybe that sounds too simple. I don’t want you to get married, Anna. Ok, I do, but not next month. But I want you to be happy. I enjoyed dating. Having a boyfriend is a little like getting married. You know you are starting to like someone when you hope they ask you out and you don't really want to be bothered with someone else asking you. The relationship can be a source of comfort as much as it can be a complication. It is nice to be thought about and cared for. It is nice to think about someone and care for them. Sometimes, I got dumped and hurt. Or I had have one date and never saw the guy again. I had too many learning experiences and not sure that I made good choices all the time. But I was ultimately lead to your father. And I believe that we were supposed to be married. I have had some confirming experiences about that not just when we were engaged, but years later, even when I have questioned my decision.

You are kind of in an interesting position in your life. Part of you would love to get married, set up your own house and start a family. You are more than capable of this. You can cook pretty good, better than I did at your age. You are great with kids. You are responsible and compitent. You can be very mature with your outlook on life. Your are incredible. But you are still pretty young. You have so much life ahead of you. SO, you need to be patient with yourself and gentle on yourself. Aim for a career, but plan for a family. Does this sound incongruent? Well, no. Anything you do will make you a better wife and mother. And we don’t always know what doors the Lord has in store of opening for us. You are such a good person. Find a private place and have a good cry, sometimes it helps. Listen to some good music (I don’t just mean tab, choir... maybe blue oct....) Of course get plenty of sleep. Watch your health, it effects your outlook. And know that I always love you. Hope this hasn't been too preachy, and I hope I haven't been too confusing. I love you. See you tomorrow maybe. Call anytime. Quite often I sleep with the phone on the nightstand in case you call and need something. I always hope to be there for you.
Love,
Mom

bet you didn’t think to get such an epic in return.....

Why can't I figure myself out?

I am enough of an anomaly to society to believe that the chance of my finding someone compatible with me was next to nothing. Yet tonight I went out with a guy that is better at being me than I am. Despite the similarities, I didn’t like him. Shocking, I know. I suppose ‘compatible’ doesn’t necessarily mean exactly alike. But regardless of how he behaved, what I am more upset about than anything is that I now can’t figure out what I do like. What do I want? This is one of my lifelong questions and it remains yet to be answered. Often I wish that I could give up the pursuit to answer. Why can’t I figure myself out? Guys know that we are complicated, but they will never truly understand the depths of which complexity reach.

I believe that differences compliment one another, but can also cause contention and draw individuals apart. The balance in love and life is so fragile that the smallest tip of the scale is liable to teardown the efforts of one’s entire existence.

We walk a delicate line. Yet it is the thrill associated with being on the edge of love that pushes us to take another step. Many slip, often when least expected, into and out of love. But it is for the times when the hair on the back of your neck rises with your body, and an indescribable feeling accompanies an indescribable bond forged for the eternities, it is the love of love that gives us life causing the pursuit of it to last now and forever.

Never Enough

Why does the world pressure me to be more than is possible? Some aspects of life are purely designed for failure. I can be pretty, but not gorgeous; nice but not as nice as the guy before me; smart, skilled, fast, successful, affluent, friendly, talented, early, but not enough. I will never be one on the top; someone will always be better.

Perfection by definition does not exist. The term when applied to reality is purely up to personal interpretation; either manipulated as an ego booster by including attributes one has already obtained, or built to depict an unreachable feat which will tear us down in our efforts to reach. If we look at perfection as being without fault, blemish, or loss, than perfection really is unobtainable. This is the standard of the world, and yet it is the world that suffers imperfection.

The pressures are there,

but I will never measure up to expectations.

How Little I Know

I just finished my second day of classes for this fall’s semester. And this statement, which I have heard multiple times in my life, has never rung more true: “The more I know, the more I know how little I know.” (Go ahead…read it again…you know you didn’t get it the first time.) I have a flaming head-ache and I’m not sure if my head is upset because I haven’t eaten lunch or because I’ve tried cramming so much new information into it. Either way learning, loving, laughing--finally I’m living. Whoa, what a jumble of emotions; I am so filled with life right now. Overwhelmed (again) by intimidation but also by opportunity and future prospects. Who knows what life will hold…

Growing Pains

Ok, so I’ve wanted to start this blog for a really long time, but I couldn’t think of anything meaningful to say. As a result I’ve said nothing at all (yeah, a whole lot better, I know). But instead of not making any progress, I’ve decided it is best to at least take baby-steps. Any type of change that produces progress, whether small or large, easy or difficult is good....I suppose.
Warning: because I have nothing significant to say, the following will most likely contain senseless babble.

Currently, I’m confused with life. This happens quite often mind you. I’ve recently left home, living on my own and going to school like I’ve always wanted. But I feel nervous, lonely, inadequate, homesick, poor, tired, annoyed with consistent compromising, and ready to acquire magnificent superpowers to aid me in my struggles. I’ve been “top of the class” most of my life, but after barely making it into the University of my choice, I now hardly compare to my peers and I’m struggling to breath in a sea of overwhelming intelligence. I guess you could say that I’m suffering from growing pains. I suppose I’m confused because this is all unexpected for me. I thought easy, fun, and sure, maybe an education.

All well. Growing is good right? I just have to keep telling myself that, grit my teeth, and get over myself. Life’s just hard. I only wish that I could love it all the time including the struggles.

Carpe Diem Vici

Carpe Diem Vici
[Seize the day and conquer!]

Carpe Diem
[Seize the day]

Veni, Vidi, Vici.
[I came, I saw, I conquered]