The Answers that Nobody Sticks Around For:

"What's Up?" --a question so flippantly asked. Well, here's the answer that nobody sticks around long enough to hear:

Finals are done--thankfully. For a bit there, I wasn't sure if I was going to make it through. But I did. And here I am. Actually, there is a small chance (once again) that I can get my first 4.0 here at BYU. A few of my classes are a real tossup (like always) as to whether they'll be "A"s or "A-"s. Keep your fingers crossed.
Some of my professors have really ticked me off this finals time though. I don't understand how they can spend an entire semester teaching (or not teaching) one thing, and then harshly grade a final that had to do with entirely different things!!
It's funny, at the beginning of this semester I looked over everything that I would have to do until I reached the point that I am at now; and I may have shed a tear or two at all that was expected of me during 'Fall semester 2008.' I told myself "if I can survive this, it'll be a real accomplishment." I don't like giving myself a pat on the back; but I must say "I'm a survivor." It's funny I guess, because in pure hindsight bias the semester wasn't as bad as I had anticipated. But then again, call me Dante because it was a real trip through Hell. I'm not sure why that's funny. I guess the semester was just so good and so bad at the same time that I'm not sure how to feel about it. Either way, it's in my past. And soon I will not only put this semester to bed, but the entire year of 2008.

I had a real burst of future hopes yesterday. I watched several dance movies and they always get me going. I have really big plans for next summer! I want to take hip-hop lessons and maybe ballroom, guitar lessons, write and read a ton, get my ASL interpreting certification, get a random job, maybe take classes, and stay at home with my family! It's gonna be a great summer.
But before I even get to next summer, I'm really looking forward to next semester too. I'm not really sure if I'm going to be able to handle everything I'm signed up for though. I actually had a dream about it last night. The whole night I struggled with decisions of what to participate in and what not to. A lot of my anxiety stems from my new job as Technical Director of the Daily News on Fridays. I just don't think that it fits in my schedule. And even more than that, when I pray about it I keep feeling like I need to decline the position. The answer seems so obvious on paper, but I just worry that withdrawing will give me a bad reputation in the news room, and I don't want to lose a skill that I think is fun either. But seriously, I'm signed up for 17 credits and two part-time jobs! Yeah, I know, I'm crazy. I'm so excited for all of my classes, and the first thing that I would drop would be directing. It's sad, but I think I'm just going to have to get the guts up to say something. As far as the classes that I hope to keep: Living Prophets, Intro to Guitar, Intro to Latin Ballroom Dance, Intro to Standard Ballroom Dance, Media History & Philosophy, Television News Production, British Literary History 1, and Creative Writing. I can't wait!

In looking to the future, I can't help but often wonder where my life will be in five years. I see a lot of my friends going off and getting married, starting their families. I'm also making a lot of new friends who got married before I even met them. Being at BYU, and reaching the ripe "old" age of twenty, the favorite topic of conversation among most people I know is :
"Who are you dating?"
"How's your dating life?"
"We're trying to get pregnant."
"You guys are going to get married, I know it."
"I'm sorry your social life sucks."
"I'm engaged!"
"I'm pregnant!"
"Have you guys kissed yet?"
"Being single is good...I guess."
I tried picturing myself with kids. I can see it--ten years from now! Last night, as I lay in bed, I realized that I had never even pictured myself in a wedding dress. I imagined a reception setting a few times, and it was kinda hard to put myself in the bride's shoes. Even harder was to find someone to stand in for the groom. I kind of have a 'crush,' or as I like to say "I'm minutely interested" in a guy in my ward right now. I really don't think that he is interested in the slightest, and my own interest is waning, but my mom says not to slam the door of my heart on him yet. She thinks that I should give him next semester; I'm giving him the first month--tops. Honestly, I don't want him (or anyone else for that matter) to "fall madly in love with me" and want to marry me next semester. I just want a really good friend for now. Maybe even merge into boyfriend. But for now, I'm so incredibly single (as usual) that it's not even funny. It's a good think I like being single some of the time, or else I might go crazy over it (like some people I know...).
Right now, I'm not even near the person that I'd like to be when I get married and start a family. Let's just say, I have a lot of goals for next year; a lot of areas for improvement.

Karma and I have had a really good experience visiting teaching this semester. One of our teachees has really opened up to us and really seems to depend on us a lot for emotional support. I really hope that we can be everything that she needs.

Oh! I found some new songs that I really like: Fred Jones, Part 2--Ben Folds, Fix You--Coldplay, and X & Y--Coldplay. Some of Avril Lavigne's songs have really hit the mark these past few weeks.
And, of course, my "Most Often Played" Playlist still holds most of my overplayed favorites.

Hmm...I think that's pretty much it for now. Thanks for asking.

How are you?

Finals Are Coming...

Now is the time that many students dread; an accumulation of all that was SUPPOSED to have been learned throughout the semester will be tested and graded.
The time for learning is passed. The time for reckoning is here.

But why do I feel like I am learning more than ever right now?

I am discovering myself. But I suppose the test of self is ongoing.

Inadequate

I'm feeling inadequate again. Even though I try really hard to mentally prepare myself for life’s difficult moments—like now—I know I also prepare the way for their existence. It reminds me a lot of how I tell myself to stop eating so much sugar while simultaneously eating a large bowl of ice cream with chocolate chocolate-chip cookies. Yeah, it’s happened multiple times.

Why do I expect so much of myself? Or worse yet, why do I so ruthlessly compare myself to everyone around me? I just want to be the best at everything; what’s so wrong about that? No. Really, I think I just don’t know where I’m going in life so I try to keep every door open, which, in my mind, requires me to be the best at everything I try.

Round...well, the next.

I'm back at school again. And like always, I already have homework. Yes I am suppose to be working on my homework right now, but I got on the computer instead. I was tempted to do something I didn't want to, so I'm writing you as a preventative measure.

I'm scared out of my whits for this fall semester! I have really hard classes and a really busy schedule. I'm trying to convince myself that I can do anything, but I know I can't do everything.

In addition to classes, boys, work, and home are all good too.

Happy Pioneer Day!

It sure is great to live in Utah and reap the benefits of such a unique holiday.

It's been awhile since I've posted (which seems to be a habit of mine, posting in spurts I mean). I've really become attracted to the handwritten word and emphatically taken up journal writing once again. Don't worry; I'm not neglecting my revitalized love of journal writing for the impersonal internet publication of one's self-declared important thoughts and feeling. I've already written in my private treasure chest of life. I just thought that I could make the time to post every now and then as well.

I've decided that my personal life is not meant for the internet, and it was rather juvenile of me to believe otherwise. Now don't judge me harshly, as I'm sure anyone reading this is also a blogger of their own personal experiences. This is just a personal decision that I'd like to experiment with until further notice.

My intentions when initially creating this blog were to have an outlet for emotional venting and a motivator to improve my writing skills. I really want to become a good writer, and would greatly appreciate if I could shut my mouth a little more often and wait until I could get things down in writing. But I realized that mostly the negative moments of my life are elaborated upon and posted for all to see, but that is not entirely who I am. Everyone has good moments and bad; but I have no right to pollute the already infested internet world with more garbage.

I just wish that I wasn't so tired all of the time. Life looks a whole lot better when you're looking through wide open and alert eyes. Yet here I am, awake and up late once again.

But life is good. And I'm working to make it better.

The Light on the Other Side

As I take every tentative step, I know that I am moving forward. I still feel as though I am traveling across a rickety old bridge in hopes of the change on the other side; but every step requires faith, a continuous resolve to do better, and the ability to forgive myself for my mistakes, and I am trying. Change looms in the air of my life. And while the grass on the other side is “just as hard to mow,” I feel as though greener pastures await me. My experiences are all new right now, and yet feel “overdone” as well. The challenges I face everyday successfully manage to thwart my ever growing efforts to succeed. I try to run, but stumble. I try to get back up just to fall again.
Work use to be my safeguard, but discouragement, disappointment, and disillusion curb my passion and kill my hope. I no longer feel a part of a nurturing safe haven, and sadly I believe the people I work with bring this unwanted spirit. N.I. is not a happy person. She is bitter, hurt, and lost. But for as much as I desire to support her, she is bringing me down.
School has also lost its savor for me. I am burned out and tired. However, after having said that, I have a wonderful set of classes this term; and thankfully so. I just wish that I were better. But again, I believe that I have merely hit a plateau, stepped up to the beginning of the bridge. Now if I can just get across, things will look up. I am both nervous and excited about my future. I have an intense and deeply rooted fear of failure, and I am struggling to suppress my seemingly life threatening anxieties. I am learning the art of peace with one’s own flaws.
And, as I am going through the typical list, I’m not sure where I stand with the male race at this time. My ache for “him” will never be satisfied until he is with me for eternity, but in the meantime uncertainty smothers those desires—at least to some degree. This past week I planned my academic schedule for the next two years. Quite ostentatious, I know. However, the satisfaction I felt was buffered with the conclusion that marriage was not to be a part of that schedule and that I was more than okay with that decision; tonight my feelings pushed me back to square one. I am not madly in love with anyone, nor are there any even remote prospects at this time; yet I enjoyed myself while on a date, and longed once again for that protective arm to consume me in my pains and trials. I honestly believed that I could suppress that desire for the time being, but I was most definitely wrong. Now what?
On a happier note, I have begun yet another book. I have never before read Jane Eyre, nor am I even remotely familiar with its story, but I am in love with it thus far (page 20…).
Wish me luck on both my Physical Science test and my Cha-cha test, for I am nervous about both.
Life is so complex it is great; life is so great, it’s complex.

Baby Steps

My emotions hurt and my body is exhausted, but for some reason I feel okay right now.

I went to an academic advisement counselor yesterday. Mostly she just reassured me that I was in an okay position and on the right track. We went over what classes I have left that I absolutely have to take, and then I just drilled her with my excessive amount of questions. After the meeting I essentially planned my entire academic life for the next year and a half. I feel good about things. I will be taking longer than necessary to graduate, but it is necessary for me that I graduate later if it means that I get me double major. I was really prepared to fight the counselor on what I expected to be a tremendous amount of discouragement concerning my desire to double, but was very much so relieved and empowered by her surprising support.

I feel as though my soul is mending right now. It really wasn’t as broken as it could have been, and I’m still incredibly confused about my own surfeit of emotions, but I stumbled and am now beginning to walk again. Running yesterday was a mistake, and I’ve learned not to jump the gun, but I can start walking into my own future with a degree of confidence.

Running For My Life

I went running. It took courage. I did it.

I Feel Your Pain and Wonder Why it Has to be This Way.

There is so much pain around me—pain that I cannot heal. I hurt, they hurt. And now I hurt from my own problems and from theirs. But I cannot heal them. Why does death take loved ones from us early? Why do illnesses debilitate the faithful, the righteous, and undeserving? But most of all, why can I do nothing?!

This week, more than ever before, the existence and prevalence of pain and problems in everyone’s lives has manifested itself strongly unto me. There are billions of people in the world, and yet we feel alone. People may reach out to us, but in fear we recoil back into our shells, our safe places—lonely, but not vulnerable. I now understand Christ’s willingness to give Himself for the pains of the world. If I could, I would. But even if our sacrifices could heal, I myself am not a worthy enough sacrifice to compensate.

I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel sick. Fat. Ugly. Tired. Empty. Hurting. Angry. Stupid. –Probably all feelings coming from Satan, but he’s doing a really good job at convincing me I’ve had enough.

I’M SO CONFUSED!

Life doesn’t even make sense to me anymore. I use to be so sure about who I was, where I was going, and who I wanted to become in the meantime. Now I just don’t know. Nobody has any answers!

“REMEMBER: THERE’S NEVER A PERFECT MATCH”

Says the bus driver. I’ve always know that life isn’t perfect and I’m not perfect and that’s not going to change. But why can’t I at least have a perfect match?!
If God has all of the answers, then why doesn’t he share them with me?? I know he is there, I’m sure of that. But then why do I still feel so alone?

I FEEL LIKE I’M GOING TO BE SICK!

My head an stomach are swimming so much, I can’t even think straight.

HELP!

The Problem with Pain

There is so much pain around me—pain that I cannot heal. I hurt, they hurt. And now I hurt from my own problems and from theirs. But I cannot heal them. Why does death take loved ones from us early? Why do illnesses debilitate the faithful, the righteous, and undeserving? But most of all, why can I do nothing?!

An Overview

So, once again I'm supposed to be studying, but I'm not. I have so much to talk about that I don't even know where to begin. I'll start from now and move backwards and we'll see how far I get in the little time I have.

First of all, I went on a blind date last night. Anyone who knows me very well at all knows how much I absolutely abhor blind dates. Every blind date I've ever been on (minor disclaimer: I've technically only been on 5 blind dates) ends messy or simply ends absolutely (although my experience with Aaron C. ended messy 10+ dates later...nonetheless, it still wasn't the most pleasant experience). However, I must say, last night I was quite pleasantly surprised. I really enjoyed myself. Now, as another disclaimer, it wasn't the best date that I have ever been on, but I couldn't have expected any more for a first date. Congratulations Dan. No fireworks, but fabulous fun. Honestly, I don't really know why I typically have a hard time with first dates. Probably because I hate being restricted to insignificant small talk and you can't go very much beyond that in a first date, let alone a blind date. Dan R. did a very good job attempting to get to know me and keeping conversation going. Heaven knows how much I can babble when I am familiar with someone, but I always have a hard time with conversation initially. He almost had my defensive shell completely cracked before the night was through. I was a little taken back at how gentlemanly he behaved. Even though Mike M. and I have been on over 25 dates and I've been out with other guys in my ward, etc. since my Mike B. episode back in march, Mike B. was the last time I can remember being driven anywhere in particular with a guy. And he didn't open the door... Because it has been so long, and I haven't been in a position that allows the male race a chance to defend their unbecoming behavior, I couldn't help but smile when I realized that Dan R. had this absolutely necessary value. And he didn't lose it throughout the remainder of the evening, but instead proved himself again and again.
Throughout the week I have been praying that he would be strong enough to counter my conversation flaw and that I wouldn't judge him too quickly one way or the other. My prayers were answered.
Conclusion: Besides my inability to be myself entirely (which is unquestionably expected for me on first/blind dates...most of the time), I'd have to say that the only bad thing about the whole night is that I lost my watch (oh, and my lack of self-confidence didn't permit me to admit that although I love music, I can't name a singly song or band for the life of me. I have a theory as for why that is...but we'll save that for another day). I’d say I’d be good for a second date—definitely.

Work has been crazy recently. As for my actual tasks at work, I’ve been quite unaccomplished lately because of my inefficiencies. Lack of sleep, unnecessary drama, and too much stress has been messing with my abilities lately. I don’t think that I will ever work full time and go to school full time again. Summer term I’ll still be full time for both, but I don’t think that it will be too bad. I’m not planning on having the same social life that I have this term, and if I stay focused and get more sleep I should be able to survive until fall—just to start things all over again (which I’m a little worried about, by-the-way).
I started anchoring news this week and I’ve also begun work on a feature story, but I haven’t been as good at it as I’d hoped. I’m recording all of my “attempts,” so when I become famous and give lectures at Capital Theater (reference to the Terry Gross lecture I went to!) I can also play my beginning bloopers.
Mostly, my problems stem from co-workers currently. I thought that I had gotten away from co-worker problems by quitting my last job (even though I loved it!). Just thinking about my last job brings back all of those nauseating feelings all over again, and although my current job could never possibly get as bad as my previous experience, I don’t even want a mole hill. Just to give you a small recap, my co-worker/supervisor N.I. has something going on in her life that I think is causing rippling effects in the way she associates and behaves. She is 15 years older than me, but sometimes she doesn’t act like it. She’s gotten my other co-worker K.H. in such a tizzy about the church, K.H. has questioned her testimony altogether. I’m spent late nights and long workdays trying to reason with her, but ultimately the decision is hers. Don't get me wrong, we are really good friends, but I just think that the whole thing is simply silly. Why do things have to be so dramatic? While I am a girl, and I do understand some drama, I truly believe there is far too much unnecessary tragedy in life.

I went to the temple again this week. (Sadly I missed last week, but I realized after being highly tempted to pass up this week too, that I’m going to spite Satan and not miss again). The temple worker had multiple pierced ears and I was really confused about her ability to work at the temple in such a state. The temple is my escape from the world, but it was still there… the church is perfect, the members aren’t. Coincidentally, while reading this month’s first presidency message, I realized that although many people believe the words of the prophets to be flexible and interpretable, they simply aren’t. The word of God is what it is…

I am so glad for this term to be over this week! Once again, I don’t believe I will be successful at obtaining my desired 4.0, but that doesn’t mean that I won’t try again…and again. Sometimes I wish that I didn’t have to work and take classes at the same time, and sometimes I wish that I didn’t have to take classes and work at the same time, but all too often, I’m really glad I’m so blessed to be able to manage both.

I went to a pool party today. I really wasn’t planning on going. The only reason I mention it is because I’m now sun burnt. Eh. It was bound to happen.

Everyone has told me my desire to double major is crazy and impossible; that is, everyone except for my mom. I really think that I’d like to try for it. Aim for the heavens…at worst, you’re going to reach the stars. If I have to settle for an English minor, I will. But for now it’s going to be a major.
I don’t really know how my future is going to pan out. I can put my mission papers in a year from now, but I don’t know if a mission is in my cards. Although I become discouraged about guys frequently, I truly know that marriage is in my future. Now, how soon that card is played is an entirely different story. As always I question my future balance of career and family, but I know that everything will work out. I know that I’m being watched over. And I also know that there are great plans for me in both my career and family if I can faithfully follow God’s guiding hand.

Well, my studies call. The hard part is that I don’t actually have any particular assignments. Just extra credit stuff and massive amounts of finals prep. I’ll try and shpeal again soon.

Me, as a Disney Princess

Esmerelda: Mysterious and passionate. You are a survivor. Even though life has swung you some difficult situations you have a strong intuition that gets you through. Also, you have the capacity to sympathize and relate to a variety of different people. (you scored: 33%)

Cinderella: Dignified and hard working. With a gentle and soft-spoken manner you have something many people don't. Patience. Even through the moments of heartbreak you're still able to hold onto all of your hopes and dreams. Bide your time; your dream will come true.(you scored: 22%)

Mulan: Strong and spirited. You're no one's girly girl; actually you are very determined person with a strong sense of self. Never let go of that! The only thing that equals your sense of self is your family, but the traditions of society can always be bent to protect something or someone you love.(you scored: 22%)

Pocahantas: Free-spirited and wise. You have a strong passionate spirit that touches and changes all who know you. The wisdom and common sense that you have is really what guides you through life. Even so, you also have a very playful side that loves adventure and excitement.(you scored: 11%)

Belle: Intelligent and kind. Your beauty goes much further than your apperance. Also, you make judgements of people based on their personality and not their looks. Attaining all the knowledge that you can is one of your major goals in life, but you are also a person who can make things happen.(you scored: 11%)

Megara: 0%
Aurora: 0%
Jasmine: 0%
Snow White: 0%
Ariel: 0%

Yesterday:

I’m trying to catch you up on the portions of my life that time has not permitted me to write. I didn’t really do anything exciting for most of the day. After sleeping in until 7:30, I worked from 9am-4:30pm. It was a really long day. I was actually supposed to work until 5:30ish, but I felt sick and became incredibly unproductive so I just left.
Because I got home a little earlier than planned, I had my “talk” with Mike. It was ok… I’m just not exactly sure how to express my feelings about relationships to myself all the time, and yet he wants me to explain them to him. Honestly, his intentions are pure, but if he wants to get to know me, he needs to get to know more about me than my thoughts and feelings about current and past relationships!!! I really don’t like that he doesn’t make me laugh. I think that most of my fabulous conversations are about either incredibly serious or humorous topics. He rarely covers either. Don’t get me wrong…he is a great guy and trying really hard. I know that I am being incredibly harsh but something really is missing. He is a great guy that I enjoy spending time with on my good days, but he isn’t emotionally there for me on my bad days when I probably need someone the most. If one’s company can’t weather my bad days, they simply won’t last for the good. I don’t know what to do…
Our talk was cut rather short though when I was called away to attend my “Mexi-party” with Rachel and Stephanie. It was great! I still felt sick during the first half though, so that was kinda a bummer, but the evening progressed quite nicely. Honestly, I really can’t go shopping with those girls and expect to get out of the store when planned! We really are time wasters when together. Dinner of Spanish rice, tacos, and toquitoes was great! During and afterward we discussed a variety of topics and really had an enjoyable evening together. There was only a small interruption of me locking myself out of my apartment by accident—first, and hopefully last, time this year.

Weaknesses or Strengths?

I’m so weak! I have an issue that I’ve been trying to work through for the past, hum…several years! but I always succumb to my temptations. Why do I do that? I think that it’s because my mental will and desire for things is often less powerful than my physical will. I’m definitely getting better, but I still have a long way to go…
On a very different note, I have been in the library for several hours studying for my Media Ethics, Law, and Responsibility class. I have a timed midterm on Monday, and I’m really nervous. We also have a homework assignment of reading 80+ pages! Why does he think that he can do this to us?! Doesn’t he know that I have homework in my other classes too? All well.
I’m just kinda sad that work and school are taking up so much of my time. I know these are my primary priorities, but I really wanted to go to the temple this morning and just didn’t have time.
Time and money have really shown their importance in my life during that past couple of days. I just don’t have enough of either to do everything. I think that I really want to have a bit of money when I get older. I know that money and time have been real struggles in my parents’ life, and because time is money and money is time I just don’t think that I want to waste time worrying about money.

Stream of consciousness

For as hard as it is to grow up, it sure feels good afterwards. I can only relate this phenomenon to exercise. Point made. I feel as though I am really discovering myself through the process though; clearly I’m not there yet, but I’m learning so much. My most recently learned lessons are that I am an incredible twit sometimes (in the bad way), that I have a soul mate searching for me, and that I have a lot of growing up left to do in my life. I’ve discovered that life can bring me incredible joy beyond the possible pain. For as much as I love being a student whose life is saturated in the university environment, I think that I really will be ready to move on and have a real life after graduation. I love all that life can offer. I especially love the arts: movies, museums, music, theater, dance, literature, photography, life. They are all magical and bring joy to my everyday mundane.

Now, about the everyday mundane:
I’ve moved into a new apartment. As you can see, I’ve written more since I’ve moved in and that’s not because my new roommates are bringing me uncontrollable joy to write about. They are very cordial, nice. They are quiet and reserved. That is virtually all that I know about them and I’ve lived here for two weeks. Granted, that’s not very long, but long enough.

Recently I’ve felt as though there is something inside of me that is struggling to come out, but just doesn’t know how. I wish that I could identify this source of internal pressure. Or at least discover the outlet by way its release might come about. I feel as though my head is not yet smart enough to say what my soul already knows. Listening to music, daydreaming, and surrounding myself with the art and inspiration that I love only encourages the swelling, but not the release.

For as much as I love life, I’ve also had some very conflicting thoughts about it as well. “What’s the point?” I’ve often wondered. I am very religious and understand that perspective, but my brain can’t really wrap itself around the entire concept of what the purpose of stress, time, and the details of the day really mean in the entire scheme of things.

Random stream, I know. Yet, mind you, this is merely a minute snippet of how my mind operates on a minute to minute basis.

And the day goes on…

Deleted...

I recently wrote a lengthy blog entry which nicely depicted my feelings...something happened...now it is no more. End of story.

Uh...marriage???

Okay, I don’t even know where to start. First of all, my life is great. I have a very nice life with a wonderful family, job, education, and decent social life. Sometimes I can feel like I’m on top of the world…and others…
Today I toured KUER. I had a fabulous experience and became really excited about my future, primarily my future career. It has become very clear to me during the past week that journalism will definitely be a part of my future life. However, my emotions take a definite turn when I talk about the aspects of my future. I have really struggled with my homework this evening and decided to take a break after three hours and check out a few friends on facebook. To my surprise, someone that I had been highly interested in last semester has a girlfriend. Honestly, I was more surprised with my reaction than with this fact alone. My heart leaped and my stomach churned. Why is that? I was sure that I was completely over him. And worse than that, he was never really in to me and probably hasn’t thought twice about me since he walked away. But something in me was frustrated, even angry, and rather hurt. Again, why is that? I have not only dated other people since my idiotic infatuation with this individual, I have also been interested in someone else and have also had a relationship of my own. To be entirely truthful with myself, I think that the reason I was hurt and the reason I am not satisfied with my current relationship(s), regardless of their level, is because I really am searching for my match. And last night, I realized how much I really want to find him. That may sound incredibly sappy/cheesy, however, I really don’t care what others think at this point, because I know that marriage will make me happy. I want to fall in love. Divorce, fighting, and future trials scare me to some degree, but I think that my love for my future husband and his love for me will run so deep that these things will not be an issue for us. I love him. I pray for him. And I will find him soon.
Roommates are an interesting association. I have had a variety of roommates over my span of time away from home. My very first roommate was weird; this term is not mean in a critical, derogitory, or rude fassion, she simply was just that—weird. My second roommate was entirely infatuated with a boy and while she was nice, I had little association with her. However, “little” is more than I can say I had with my next roommate, whom I saw a total of five times throughout the summer term even though we shared a room together. And then, my roommates Becky, Karma, and Emily came along. I grew to love each one of them very much. I can’t say that they weren’t hard to live with, or that we were problem free, but I did love them. Our relationships are that of superb friends. Yet even this does not satisfy my crave for companionship. My current roommates are again nice and even so much as pleasant, however my assocation with them is limited, as is the extent of our relationship. To be quite frank, I am done with roommates, even the ones that I say I love. As I disclaimer, I want to clarify that just because I don’t want to be roommates with them anymore doesn’t mean that I don’t love them, and if I had to be roommates with anyone it would be them. However, I want an eternal bedmate, that’s all. I use to think that marriage was the end of my social life, or that I had more life to live before I got married, but I realized that my life will truly begin when I can stop searching for him and start living with him. I want someone to be there and listen to all of my daily shpeals with patience and love. I want to care and love someone.
Okay, I’ve offically scared myself with this little speech. I sound like the girls I roll my eyes at…who come to BYU simply for marriage. I guess I just worry whether or not I will ever fall in love, that's all...