Today is Not Yesterday

Ok, so yesterday I was having some emotional issues. I felt my stomach churn with some deep and unwanted but familiar hurt, and not only could I not describe my feelings, I couldn't understand them either.

Travis texted me yesterday. Quickly the "innocent" question "What are you up to?" turned into an unpleasant he said she said. I promised myself he would never hurt, anger, or influence me ever again; my emotions didn't listen.

I spoke with my mother on the phone which is the typical answer to all my problems, but for some reason this conversation simply compounded the stomach churn.

By the end of the evening I had decided to let go of all of my current questions and concerns about life, which I realized somehow all linked in one way or another to one very large factor--marriage. I decided to just focus on a career and never get married, for sadly I know the joys associated with love, but I also know the pain, and because my experience proves the pain to be greater, and no body has successfully convinced my heart of that in word or deed, my emotions gave up.

Sure, the logic of this is incredibly fallible, and the decision won't last, but last night it seemed safe.

I'm not looking for magic--I gave up my Disney princess role a very long time ago. I don't need fireworks. I just want to be so incredibly in love--the kind of love where you want to spend eternity together so badly, any other possibility makes you sick. The kind of love where you realize your whole life you've been stressed and holding your breath, because when that person comes home you breath easy again. I need a love that makes you happier than you ever knew possible.

Ok, I got those thoughts successfully on the page--mostly for me as the words I couldn't express to my mom. But mostly, I just want to say, it's my life, and right now I'm living it big. So don't nobody make me feel small and worthless.

All better now. Off to the National Geographic Television editing room and then the Discovery Museum to see King Tut!